


All These Precious Memories

by jealoussam (swsquadleadr327)



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Community: deancasbigbang, Gen, M/M, POV Multiple, Universe Alteration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-07
Updated: 2014-11-07
Packaged: 2018-02-23 21:03:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2555591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swsquadleadr327/pseuds/jealoussam
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Castiel manage to catch and cure Dean after he became a demon. The cure is successful but Dean loses his memory of events over the past few years. During the course of reconnecting with Castiel, Dean learns that he is dying. He and Sam race to find a way to save Cas as Dean comes to terms with his feelings for Cas.</p><p>Art at: http://blue-stripe.tumblr.com/post/102067049646/art-post-for</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

            _Remember…_

_Remember…_

_Remember…_

It was the first word that Dean could clearly make out through the thick haze that surrounded him and made it feel like waking up was one of the hardest things he’d ever done. As he slowly started to regain consciousness the first thing that registered was Sam’s voice. Sam. His little brother. Something in his chest felt warm as he thought those words.

            _Remember… Please, remember…_

            When Dean finally managed to force his eyes open, he was relieved to see a familiar shape sitting next to his bed. His vision was blurry at first but a few slow blinks helped clear it. Sam had his head resting on the edge of the bed, hair falling into his face and it looked like he had just fallen asleep. That was exactly the way Dean had expected Sam to look… Mostly. Something wasn’t quite right but Dean didn’t think about it too much.

            “Sam.” His voice came out hoarse and not quite as loud as he would have wanted to get his sleeping brother’s attention. He swallowed and cleared his throat so he could try again. “Sammy.”

            That got his attention because Sam’s eyes opened and he jerked back up into a sitting position.

            “Dean.” The look of relief on his face was clear and Dean had to wonder just what the hell happened to him to put that look on his little brother’s face. A little brother who looked a little too haggard and worn out. And older than Dean was expecting. He even had his right arm in a sling so Dean knew he’d been in a major fight recently. “Easy, okay? How’re you feeling?”

            It was a little too hard to move his arms yet but he was propped up on some pillows so he went with it for now. “Like I got hit by a bus. The hell happened?” His mouth felt dry so he made a note to ask for some water the second he felt like he could hold it.

            Sam didn’t answer right away. “What do you remember?”

            “I don’t know,” Dean answered honestly. He wasn’t sure what day it was, much less feel like he was able to sort through the jumble of his brain to make sense of anything just yet.

            “Okay. Okay, just take it easy,” Sam said again. He put a hand on Dean’s arm and squeezed lightly. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll work it out later.”

            “What happened?”

            Before Sam could do much more than sigh the door opened and another man entered. Dean turned his head to look over at him.

            “You’re awake.” He looked just as relieved as Sam did, if not more so.

            “Yeah. Apparently.” Dean stared at him and then his gaze went back to Sam for an explanation.

            Instead of an automatic explanation Sam just stared right back at him. “What?”

            “What do you mean, ‘what’? I mean who’s your new pal?”

            “Dean…” Sam’s expression fell but it was nothing compared to the look on the other man’s face. He looked like he’d been punched right in the gut and he deflated, the tan coat somehow looking like it was hanging even looser on his shoulders.

            “Dean. That’s Cas.” Sam looked between the two of them, finally looking expectantly at his brother. “You… don’t remember him?”

Dean gave a weak shrug of his shoulders. “Am I supposed to?”

            None of them said anything for a long moment until the man Dean still didn’t recognize cleared his throat slightly. “I’ll wait outside,” he said roughly and then quickly turned and vanished back out of the door.

            “I miss something?” Dean finally felt like he was regaining some feeling in his arms so he pushed himself up a little in bed. “The hell are we anyway?” As he moved he could feel that the bed didn’t feel like any old stiff motel mattress. In fact it was one of the most comfortable beds he’d ever been in and a quick glance around the room showed him that it was neat and well organized. He liked the way the guns were hung up on the walls. The room felt comfortable. Not at all like anything they’d ever stayed in short term. This room was well kept and lived in.

            “Kansas. Guessing you don’t recognize the room.”

            “No. But I like it. Whoever did the decorating’s got good taste.”

            “You decorated it,” Sam told him. When Dean just frowned in confusion at him Sam reached for the nightstand. He picked up a small picture which he then held out so Dean could see it.

            “That’s me and Mom.”

            Sam nodded. “I know. It’s your picture. Dean, this is your room.” He hesitated before continuing. “You really don’t remember anything, do you?”

            Dean finally sat up fully and looked around the room. There wasn’t even a slight flicker of recognition or that feeling when the word you’re looking for is right on the tip of your tongue. He looked back to Sam and shook his head.

            “Sorry, Sammy, I’ve got nothing,” he admitted. “But it’d be great if you finally tell me what the hell happened.” He was starting to get more than a little frustrated.

            Sam swallowed hard and looked away for a moment. He looked to be collecting his thoughts so Dean didn’t press him but he was getting more and more worried about what his brother was taking so long to tell him about.

            “Something happened, Dean. We lost you for a while. The spellwork we had to do has some… side effects.” Sam was obviously picking his words carefully. “We knew you were going to forget a few things but we weren’t sure how much. If you don’t remember Cas then that means…”

            Dean eyed Sam carefully. “Means what?” he prompted impatiently. “What the hell happened to me? What did you do, Sam?”

            “Means you forgot about the last… Five years. Maybe more. We can figure out details later.”

            Dean stared at him, jaw working as he searched for something to say to that. “Explains what the hell happened to your hair,” he croaked finally. It was lame but the only thing he could think of. There was too much else going on and too many thoughts competing to get out of his brain right then.

            However, it at least got a faint smile out of Sam. “Look, get some rest. I’ll send Cas back in with some food. He’s been dying for you to wake up so he could bring you something he bought you.”

            “Still don’t know who the hell he is.”

            “I know.” Sam patted Dean’s shoulder and stood up. “But I’ll let him reintroduce himself. Then you can get some rest and we’ll worry about what you remember and don’t later on.”

            “Why don’t you just give me an abbreviated version right now? If something happened to me then what’d you do?” He remembered the feeling of Sam dying in his arms. He even remembered the feeling of desperation as he made the deal to bring his little brother back to life. Dean had to wonder if maybe whatever happened to him had something to do with that deal. Knowing Sam he would have done anything to save Dean, even though Dean had been ready to go to Hell.

            Sam shook his head. “Worried about those side effects. Don’t know what dumping you back into all of those memories is going to do to you. So we’re going to take it slow.”

            Dean was less than pleased with that but was still too tired and fuzzy feeling to really argue about it. He could do that later. “All right. Yeah, okay.”

            “I’ll be back in a little while. Just shout if you need anything.” Sam squeezed Dean’s shoulder one last time before he vanished out the door and left him alone. Dean stared after him and started to wonder where they were again. There were no windows in the room and it made him feel like the room was underground. ‘Kansas’ wasn’t exactly a specific answer. Although he was surprised to think they were back in their home state. Especially since it seemed like they were there almost permanently. He made a mental note to ask about it later. Or check it out when he felt like he could stand on his own and walk around. Wherever they were Sam had seemed pretty comfortable with it and it did have a certain vibe that Dean did appreciate.

            He was just starting to feel himself slipping back into sleep as it got tiring to try to fight off the haze when the door opened again. The man from before had poked his head in to peer at Dean.

            “Hey.” Dean pushed himself back up again and scrubbed at his eyes with one hand. “Uh, Cas, right?”

            “Castiel,” he corrected. He let himself into the room and stood by the door carrying a tray with some food. “But sometimes you and Sam do call me that.”

            “Weird name,” Dean muttered.

            He didn’t bother to respond to that but took a few steps into the room. Then he tipped the tray a little so Dean could see what was on it.

            “Sam got a little impatient with just hanging out waiting for you to wake up. He sent me to get some supplies and I thought…”

            “You brought some pie,” Dean finished for him.

            Castiel held out the tray and then put it on the nightstand for Dean. There was also a bottle of water and a beer.

            Dean tested out the feeling in his arm by reaching out for the beer. It was already open which was a relief. “Good ol’ Sammy, knows exactly what I’d want to wake up to.”

            Castiel grimaced and didn’t meet Dean’s gaze.

            “What?”

            “The pie and beer were my idea,” Cas said simply.

            “Oh.” Dean blinked at him and carefully took a sip from the beer. “You must know me pretty well.”

            Castiel shrugged in response. “We’ve been friends for some time now.”

            “And uh, how long is that?”

            “About five years.”

            Dean hadn’t been expecting that answer. “That’s a long time.” There weren’t that many friends that he’d had for that length of time, much less any that would think to bring him two of his favorite food items to him. It wasn’t lost on him that Castiel said they’d known each other the same length of time that Sam said he’d forgotten. He wondered if that was a coincidence or not and filed that question away for later.

            “Yes it is.”

            “How’d we meet?”

            Castiel settled in the seat that Sam had been asleep in when Dean had woken up. “I don’t think I should tell you that. Sam thinks that it’s important to let you recover more before we start giving you information.”

            Dean sighed and took another sip of the beer. “Sam’s a big baby and paranoid. You know me, I’m tough.”

            Castiel didn’t even respond to that and Dean groaned.

            “C’mon, man. Something?”

            That at least got Castiel thinking and Dean took it as a good sign. “Getting you out of trouble was my mission. I rescued you and we didn’t get along for a long time.”

            “You brought me pie and beer,” Dean pointed out. “Five minutes ago I thought the only person who’d know me that well was Sam. We must be pretty damn good friends.”

            He nodded and opened the box of the pie for Dean, sticking a fork in it. “I like to think that we are.”

            “Is there _anything_ else you can tell me?” If he was feeling even a little bit better he would have started demanding information from Castiel but that would have to wait. Maybe there was something to that thing Sam said about needing to rest. To his credit Castiel seemed to honestly think that over, his eyebrows furrowed together.

            “I’m very glad that you’re alive. And healthy. And I honestly hope that you remember things eventually.”

            The sincerity of that statement caught Dean off guard enough for momentarily lose interest in his beer. “Uh, right. Thanks.”

            “Is there anything else I can help you with?” Castiel asked. He hesitated before continuing. “Something I can actually do?”

            “I don’t know,” Dean answered honestly. “Just would like some answers.”

            “I promised Sam that I wouldn’t tell you anything we hadn’t already agreed on.”

            “So you won’t tell me what happened to me? What if I guessed?”

            At that Castiel raised one eyebrow slightly. “Guessed what?”

            “Does this have anything to do with Hell? I didn’t want to tell Sammy but I can remember a bit of that. I remember trying to break my deal. I… I remember Lilith. And the hellhounds.”

            The change in Castiel’s expression was immediate. He looked pained but also sympathetic.

            “Something like that.”

            Dean just sighed heavily. “Real helpful, thanks.”

            “I’m sorry I can’t tell you more,” Castiel said honestly. “Maybe later when you’re feeling better.”

            “I feel fine,” Dean grumbled.

            Castiel looked faintly amused then and nodded, clearly just humoring Dean. “When you’re on your feet we can talk again. Until then enjoy your beer and pie. I’ll check in on you later.”

            Dean didn’t want to admit it but the few sips of beer had made him sleepy. Whatever was going on with him had definitely knocked him out more than he liked to admit. He hadn’t felt like that thanks to a few sips of beer, well, ever.

            “Thanks,” Dean said again. “Tell Sam I’ll be out later.”

            “Of course.” Castiel then got to his feet and turned to go. He hesitated briefly and looked about to say something else but stopped himself. Dean continued to watch him for a moment but he didn’t say anything else. Once he was gone, Dean let himself sink back down into the pillows, grateful for the comfortable bed. In almost no time at all he’d slipped back into sleep.


	2. Chapter 2

_Capturing Dean the second time had been the hardest. Sam recognized that he’d actually gotten lucky when Cole attacked him and Dean at the bar because it had given him the distraction he needed to cuff Dean and get him loaded in the Impala. After that things got harder. Because of his sling he had to deal with a demon quite literally one handed. That would have been fine but this demon was that of Dean Winchester, one of the most dangerous people on the planet. Sam knew that the distraction had been a great help to him._

_Once they were at the bunker it was a different story, though. Sam was well aware that if it hadn’t been for all the help Castiel had given him that he might not even be alive, much less able to stand in front of the demon that used to be his big brother. Fortunately for Sam he had showed up just in time, right after Dean had escaped and come after Sam with a hammer. Even though he had been holding his own fairly well, it had taken the two of them to hold Dean down and subdue him. Sam was convinced that without whatever angel strength Cas had had left that they wouldn’t have been able to do it. Especially not if Dean’s strength under the influence of the Mark of Cain had been any indication._

_“You don’t have to go in there. I can talk to him first. That would give you some time to recover,” Castiel had offered. It was tempting but it was his brother. Sam had to be the one to go in there and he knew that._

_“No. Thanks, Cas, but… I can handle this.”_

_“I’ll go in with you.”_

_“I need to talk to him on my own. At least this once.”_

_Cas had very obviously not been pleased with it but he’d agreed. He left Sam alone while he’d gone into their dungeon where they’d secured Dean. Much of the set up was what they had used when they’d kept Crowley hostage. The heavy chains held Dean down in the chair now that they’d gotten rid of the table. That left Dean securely tied to the chair in the middle of the large devil’s trap in the center of the room. This time around it would hold Dean more effectively than it had before his escape. Or so Sam hoped._

_“There you are. Was beginning to think you and that sad excuse for an angel were going to just leave me down here. Like we did to ol’ Crowley.”_

_“No, that’s not the plan.”_

_“Oh, is there a plan?” Dean’s eyebrows went up in obvious exaggerated interest. “And what’s that? Try to turn me back to a human, make me the big brother you want again?”_

_“Something like that.” Sam hadn’t wanted to give that much away. The idea was to gain as much information from Dean, not the other way around. “But I’m not worried about that for now.” That was a lie. It was Sam’s number one priority at the moment but that was another thing he wasn’t going to let on unless he had to._

_“Now I don’t believe that for a second, Sammy.”_

_That word had never sounded so wrong before in his life. But he also knew he couldn’t let him know just how much it bothered him. How much it grated on him. This wasn’t his brother anymore and he had to constantly remind himself of that._

_“It’s true. I told you. I hate demons. As far as I’m concerned you’re just another thing that we hunt.”_

_“We. Now would that be you and me? Or you and Cas?” Dean asked with a smirk._

_“We as in hunters.”_

_“Doesn’t explain why you haven’t killed me. Oh wait. You can’t.” He laughed. “Almost forgot about that. And Cas sure doesn’t have the juice, even if he was at full power. It ever occur to you that maybe I let you two grab me? Tie me down like these sigils actually mean something to me? That maybe I’m just waiting for the right moment. When Cas is just about burned out and you… Well, you’ve gotta sleep some time, right, baby brother? Soon as that happens I’ll redecorate that room of yours in red. Not that you’ve done much with the place yet. And Cas? I’ll take my time with him.”_

_It was only through years of practice and another reminder that this wasn’t his brother that allowed Sam to keep a straight face through that. “That’s kind of an overreaction to not hanging up the Hang In There kitty poster, don’t you think?”_

_Dean actually laughed at that. “Funny. But not quite. See, I know you. I know you’re standin’ there thinking… That’s not my brother. But that’s where you’re wrong. It’s all me in here, Sammy. I remember everything. Everything.”_

_That answered one of Sam’s questions._

_“Then you had to know this is how it would go down. Cas and I aren’t going to just let you run around. And I told you… I was going to bring you home.”_

_Dean sighed heavily and rolled his eyes. “See, what you’re not getting is that I’ve been keeping an eye on you. Just like I always have. Except a little different this time.”_

_“What’s the point in keeping an eye on me when you said you were trying to keep as far away from me as possible?”_

_“Come on.” Dean scoffed at him. “You know the answer to that one. Think about it, Sam. Think real hard.”_

_He had a feeling he already knew the answer but he didn’t respond. He needed to hear it from Dean if he was going to believe it._

_“Always keep an eye on the thing you’re hunting. Then you know right when to go in for the kill.”_

_After that Sam had turned and left, securing the door tightly behind him. There was still more he could have gotten out of him but he wasn’t ready to hear it. Not yet._

_As he walked away, the sound of Dean’s laughter told Sam that he knew that too._

 

_Castiel had been caught between wanting to be sure to give Sam his privacy with Dean and wanting to be close enough to help Sam if something went wrong. He knew they had secured Dean as best as they could, but that didn’t mean they didn’t miss something. This was Dean, after all, and he wasn’t about to let his guard down. Cas felt like it was a safe assumption to think that as tough a human as Dean had been, a demon version of him would be much, much worse._

_That left him down the hall from the dungeon where Sam was talking with Dean. He was far enough away that even his enhanced hearing could only make out muffled words or the sound of Dean’s laugh. When Sam was finished and started to come back Cas made sure to act as though he hadn’t been trying to listen at all._

_“How did it go?” he asked as soon as Sam was within earshot. He straightened up off the wall that he’d been leaning on while trying to act casual._

_“About as well as I’d expected.” Sam was tired, that much was clear and Cas could imagine how hard this was affecting him. “Can you keep an eye on him? I need to go look at a few things. Check to see what we need now that we’ve got him. I want to get this done as soon as possible. I’m not giving him another chance to get away.”_

_“Of course. I’ll make sure he doesn’t go anywhere.”_

_Sam nodded gratefully. “Thanks, Cas. And, uh. You don’t have to go in there if you don’t want. It’s… rough in there after a while.”_

_“Thank you, Sam.” He did appreciate Sam’s attempts at looking out for him. They had been looking after each other for a long time, especially for the time since Dean had died. However it had always felt as though Sam was doing more to take care of Cas than the other way around. Now was his chance to really help Sam and he wasn’t going to waste it. He couldn’t afford to, not with his grace fading as much as it had. It had taken far too long to get Dean to this point and Castiel felt like if things continued at the pace they were that he had a week left. Maybe two. If he was lucky._

_Sam went back down the hallway and left Cas there by the dungeon. He stayed there for a long moment before he unlocked the doors and stepped in._

_“Hey there, buddy.” This time Dean’s eyes were green and if Castiel didn’t know better he’d say they looked normal. But normal was relative. His eyes looked fine to anyone who didn’t know him. Normal to anyone who wasn’t an angel and couldn’t see him the demon he truly was. Castiel wasn’t sure if he was fooling himself or not but he was sure that he saw a glimmer of Dean still in there. His Dean. The Dean he cared for with all his heart._

_“Hello.”_

_“That it? That all I get? Just ‘hello’?”_

_“I have nothing else to say to you.”_

_“Now I don’t believe that for a second.” Dean shifted in the seat, as much as was possible considering how tightly he was bound. “Otherwise the hell are you doin’ here?”_

_“I’m here to watch you.” It was partly true so Cas went with that. Half truths were easiest and he didn’t think that telling Dean the whole truth while he was in that state was the wisest idea. At least he and Sam had agreed on that much._

_Dean tilted his head to the side. “So that’s it? You’re just gonna stand there lookin’ pretty?”_

_“I can stand here for as long as I need to.”_

_“Oh, I know that. I just thought it might go easier on the both of us if we were talking. C’mon, Cas. Know you’ve got something on your mind.”_

_Castiel just clenched his jaw slightly. “I usually do have something on my mind. In this case it is keeping an eye on you to ensure you don’t make a repeat escape attempt.”_

_Dean leaned back slightly. “And if I do? What then? You gonna kill me?”_

_The pause told Dean a lot more than Castiel had meant to give away. “If that’s what it takes, yes.”_

_“Now I don’t believe that for a second. You can’t kill me, Cas. You couldn’t kill me when you were ordered to, what makes you think you could kill me now? Even if you were strong enough. Which you’re not.”_

_Castiel took a threatening step forward but was careful to stay away from the edge of the devil’s trap. “I’m willing to protect Sam and it doesn’t matter what my feelings are towards you I am not going to let you out of this room so you can hurt anyone else.”_

_“Aw, Cas, don’t get all sentimental on me. Nice to know you care so much.” He smirked with one corner of his mouth. “But I guess we’ll see who’s right.”_

_“You’re not leaving here.”_

_“Ever? Then you do plan to kill me.”_

_“No.” Cas clenched his jaw again._

_“Sure you do. You mean to kill who I am now, you want the wimpy human back. But guess what, Cas, buddy… He’s dead. And he ain’t comin’ back.”_

_Cas decided then and there that talking to this thing really would only make things worse. So he clenched his jaw and forced himself to hold Dean’s gaze and stood guard over him._


	3. Chapter 3

            “How is he?” Sam asked as soon as he saw Cas leaving Dean’s room. He hadn’t wanted to hover or interfere because he knew Castiel was waiting for Dean to wake up just as much as he was.

            Castiel actually smiled; this time he looked obviously relieved and much more relaxed than either of them had been in a long time. It was still early and Sam had his own reservations but things finally seemed to be looking up. He was willing to revel in that for the moment. They could handle any problems that popped up when and if they did.

            “He drank some of the beer. I think he was going to eat some of the pie before he went back to sleep.”

            Sam nodded. “Good. Not the best choice in first meals but at least we know that’s really Dean.” Then he paused and bit his lip as he thought. “You saw him drink the beer? Everything wasokay?”

            “Everything was normal. There was no reaction to the holy water in it.” He smiled a little then. “I think he’s going to beokay after a little more rest.”

            “Yeah. Here’s hoping.”

            Castiel shifted on his feet a little and looked away briefly. “I was thinking I might go and sit with him a little more later.”

            Sam shrugged. “Uh, yeah. Sure. If you want to, go for it. But… Can we talk first? I think we need a game plan for how this is going to go down.”

            He pushed a chair out across from him in invitation for Castiel to sit down.

            “I already know not to mention anything to him, Sam. Don’t worry. I’ll be careful.”

            That wasn’t even remotely close to what Sam wanted to talk to Cas about and he frowned a little. “Cas, c’mon. I know that. I know you’re careful. I didn’t think he was going to forget that much but… I guess maybe the Hell memories were too close to being a demon thing. They had to go. I… I know I kind of pushed things. I didn’t want to screw it up.” He blew out a breath and pushed a hand through his hair. “I figured something like this where we’re left helping him fill in the blanks of a decent chunk of time was better than screwing up the cure.”

            “You’re right. It is better this way.” His gaze dropped then and Sam grimaced inwardly. With Dean losing the past five years of memory it meant not even a few scraps of memories of Cas remained.

            “Are you okay?”

            Cas looked up and blinked at him before regaining his composure. “I feel fine, Sam. Don’t worry about me.”

            Sam favored him with a slightly impatient look. “That’s not what I meant and you know it.”

            That made Cas look away. “I know. I’m… managing.”

            “You don’t look too bad. Maybe you’ve got more time than you think,” Sam said hopefully. Even as he said it he knew it was stupid. Cas had been pushing himself hard lately and there was no way he had more than a week left. That meant that even with Dean healing and seemingly human again the next thing was to figure out how to keep Cas alive. It was going to be a near thing, especially since Sam hadn’t been able to get him to agree to do anything outside of taking care of Dean.

            “Maybe.” With that tone there was no way Cas believed it any more than Sam did. “But I’m just glad that Dean’s all right.”

            “Yeah.” Sam blew out a breath, unable to hide a small smile. “Thank you. For all your help.” Then he went serious again. “But you need to take care of yourself.”

            “I said I’m fine, Sam.” Cas’ voice was firm and he looked evenly at Sam.

            “I know, but, Cas-”

            “I’m _fine_.” He pushed himself away from the table a little. His fists were clenched and Sam had the feeling that if he pushed it then Cas would make it very clear he was done talking. “I’m going to go sit with Dean again.”

            Sam nodded. That worked well enough for him. Someone could sit with Dean and then that left him free to look up ways to help Cas. He hadn’t found much but the last time he’d gotten to sit down he thought he might have found a lead. Cas got up and moved back off to Dean’s room. Sam waited for him to be gone before he got up and went back to the room where he’d left a stack of books that he thought looked promising.

 

            The next day by the afternoon Dean was still asleep. Sam fixed up some breakfast for the two of them with what few supplies they had left in the bunker. He’d need to make a run soon, and based off of what he found in some of the books it was for more than just to pick up some food.

            He and Cas were civil to each other but the previous day’s conversation hung between them obviously. It wasn’t like Sam was just going to apologize for worrying about Cas but he didn’t bring it up this time. They made small talk for a while and decided on a shift schedule to watch over Dean. Since Sam had been in there most of the night they decided it would be Cas’ turn next.

            “I think I’m going to head out later. Anything you need?”

            Cas shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. But Dean might want a few things once he’s awake again.”

            “I know, I’ll pick it all up.”

            For another moment Castiel didn’t move but eventually he got back to his feet and Sam watched him turn to go.

            “Good. I’ll be back soon.”

            Sam gave a little wave and watched as Castiel turned to go back to Dean’s room. He was just about to turn down the hallway when Dean appeared in the doorway.

            “Dean.” Cas stopped dead in his tracks.

            “Heya, Cas.” He smiled at him and even though Sam could tell Dean was tired he also looked pleased. He hoped that was a good sign, that it showed that Dean remembered and not just that he was glad to be up and on his feet.

            “How’re you feeling?” Sam was up and striding towards Dean’s side before he could even think about it. He held a hand out and caught Dean’s arm. As much as his brother was obviously trying to act strong he was still pretty out of it. Sam was impressed that he’d made it that far without falling over or even passing out again. That was especially a concern considering how pale Dean looked. It made his freckles stand out even more obviously. His eyes were glassy as though he was running a mild fever. Sam added a thermometer to the list of things he’d bring back when he went out.

            “Uh, like I had one hell of a night out and I’ve got the hangover of doom.”

            “That’s better than some alternatives.” Sam squeezed Dean’s arm lightly and guided him towards a chair. Dean grimaced as he sat down but nodded his thanks to his brother.

            “Do you need anything?” Castiel was hovering nearby like he wanted to help but wasn’t quite sure how to help or if he was allowed. “Do you… remember anything?”

            Dean looked up then and stared at Cas for a moment. He squinted and Sam could see the look of hope on Castiel’s face. “No. No, I’m sorry. But I have some questions, when are you guys finally going to let me in on a few things?”

            Sam and Cas exchanged looks. It was still too risky. Dean hadn’t even been resting that long.

            “Look, we’re running low on a few things. I’m going to run out and get some food. Dean, stay here with Cas. He’ll look after you. Maybe after you’ve had a real meal we’ll go over a few things.”

            Dean’s nose wrinkled up and he glowered darkly. In the end he nodded, though. It wasn’t like he could argue with Sam and win. That alone worried Sam but he was also a little glad for it. He patted Dean’s shoulder and then stepped away, motioning Cas to join him.

            “What is it, Sam?”

            Sam glanced over Castiel’s shoulder towards his brother and dropped his voice to make sure he couldn’t hear them. “I wasn’t kidding about needing to pick up supplies. I’ll run out and get some food. You stay here with him and keep an eye on things. You sure you’reokay with that?”

            “Of course.” Castiel nodded seriously. “I’m more than happy to make sure he’s feeling better. I won’t answer anything we haven’t already talked about.”

            “Thanks.” He hesitated before turning to go. “And you’re sure you’re feeling okay, right?”

            The nod that Sam received wasn’t entirely convincing but he wasn’t about to get into it right then. “Don’t worry about me. I’ll take care of Dean.”

            “Yeah. Yeah, all right.” He patted Castiel’s shoulder gratefully and then turned to go, grabbing the keys for the Impala off a table as he went to exit the bunker.

 

            With Sam gone, Castiel went back to sit with Dean. He chose the seat across from him and tried to ignore the sudden reminder that Dean didn’t remember their last conversation here. The last conversation they’d had before he’d died.

            “You’re, uh, you’re kinda starin’ there, pal,” Dean said after a moment.

            He quickly blinked and looked away, mentally scolding himself for it. It was hard not to, though. Dean’s hair was still a little too long and he looked pale from the process that had managed to turn him back into a full human. And since he’d been unconscious for nearly two days or resting for some of that time his scruff was growing in noticeably.

            “Sorry, Dean.”

            “Uh, don’t worry about it.” He picked at the table and searched for something to say, or was trying to think of a question that Castiel was likely to actually answer this time. “So we’ve been friends for a while.”

            Cas nodded. “Yes. I… Trust you with my life. You’ve done a lot for me.”

            “Anything you can actually tell me about?” Dean asked hopefully. He leaned forward a little to lean on the table with his arms.

            “You’ve always gone out of your way to help me. You’ve saved my life many times.”

            At that Dean frowned and shook his head. “No, specifics. C’mon, man, give me something.”

            Castiel sighed and tried to think of something that seemed safe enough to tell him. “Once you thought I had died. You held on to my coat for some time until you found me again so you could give it to me. I always liked knowing you’d never given up on me.”

            That got a startled look out of Dean and he straightened up in his seat. “That… really?”

            “Really.”

            “Oh.” Dean blinked and frowned slightly. “How’d you hook up with me and Sam? You said it was your job, but… I can’t think of a hunter that’s too good at taking orders like that, or one that would want to help me out.”

            “I’m not exactly a hunter,” Cas said slowly. He didn’t want to lie to Dean but the truth was something he had insisted he wouldn’t tell Dean. He didn’t want to tell him about who he really was because it would lead to more questions. With his time running out he didn’t want to spend it gaining Dean’s trust back. Although that would be an appropriate use, if he had to do it. “I’m… Just a friend now, Dean.”

            That much felt true enough and Cas was comfortable enough with it to finally return his gaze to Dean. His green eyes narrowed slightly but he seemed satisfied.

            “Don’t think I have too many of those anymore, so all right.”

            The two both went quiet for a while after that. It was Dean who broke the silence.

            “I kept your _coat_ for you? What, some kind of magic in that thing or something?” he asked with a forced laugh.

            “No,” Castiel answered honestly. “I think you just… Thought it was important. I’m not sure why. I never got to ask.”

            Dean frowned thoughtfully so Cas waited for him to ask whatever was clearly on his mind next. “So were we…”

            That made Castiel frown in confusion. His head tilted to the side questioningly. “Were we what?”

            “Y’know.” Dean cleared his throat. “Close.”

            “Of course.” He stared at him like that should have been obvious. Cas _did_ tell him that he’d saved his life and that he would die for Dean. That shouldn’t have even been a serious question.

            Instead of looking comforted, though, Dean just looked to be more surprised and he jerked up to sit straight in his chair. He looked away from Cas and started trying to sputter out a response.

            “I, um, it’s… I… That’s…” He took a deep breath to try to regroup. Cas continued to stare at him expectantly. “I definitely don’t remember that. I mean, sure, I don’t remember much but I… Not _that_.”

            That raised Castiel’s hopes slightly in a weird way. If Dean was remembering things then maybe he wouldn’t have to spend his last week aching for his old friend. “Do you remember anything specific?”

            He didn’t answer right away. “Yeah. I think so. I remember one thing.”

            Cas stared at him as he waited for Dean to continue. It took him a moment to do so and he cleared his throat nervously before saying more.     

            “I remember, uh… I remember hugging you.” Dean’s voice had dropped slightly in an attempt to hide his nervousness. “Told you I liked your peach fuzz.”

            “Oh.” Out of everything Dean could have remembered, Cas was pretty pleased that it was something like that. “Is that all?” Mostly he just wanted to know what other kinds of context Dean remembered so he didn’t mention more than necessary.

            “How close did you say we were again?”

            That made Cas squint slightly. “What do you mean? We’re friends, Dean.”

            “Just friends?”

            He hesitated. He shouldn’t have and he really had no reason to. They _were_ just friends. Anything else was purely emotions and thoughts on Castiel’s end that he didn’t need to tell him. They weren’t clear or obvious or even known to anyone before so there was no reason to make them that way now.

            “Yes.” Cas swallowed hard and nodded once. “Just friends.”

            “Oh.” Dean rubbed at the back of his neck with one hand. “Okay. Because, uh. Yeah. Good to know.”

            “Do you have any other questions?” His tone was quiet and he wasn’t looking directly at Dean anymore. When Dean didn’t answer right away he toyed with the idea of simply getting up and leaving him to his thoughts. Before he could get up, though, Dean spoke up.

            “Any chance I can get a better look around this place? It looks… pretty damn impressive.”

            That got Castiel to brighten up slightly. He nodded and got to his feet. “Of course. I can show you around.” He then navigated around the table to go to Dean’s side to automatically help him up. Dean waved him off at first and got to his feet on his own. He wasn’t entirely stable, though, so after a few steps he reached out and grabbed at Castiel’s coat sleeve to keep himself upright.

            “Are you sure you’re feeling ready for this?” Cas asked worriedly.

            Dean nodded firmly. “I’m fine. Just gotta get my sea legs again. Come on. Let’s go.” He kept a grip on Cas as he started off so he easily went along with that. He stayed at Dean’s side and used that hand to rest at Dean’s back without touching him. Every so often his hand brushed Dean’s back to give an encouraging little nudge when he slowed down. But for the most part Dean was able to keep moving under his own steam.

            They didn’t rush since Cas was in no mood to tired him out that quickly but Dean was determined. He guessed a few of the rooms before they went into them which Cas took as a good sign. When they got to the kitchen he scowled darkly.

            “The hell’d Sam do in here? It’s a mess!”

            That earned a faint smile out of Cas and a questioning look from Dean.

            “What? You think this is funny? You’d think Sam would be able to take better care of this stuff,” he grumbled.

            “No, I don’t think it’s funny. But it’s good to see that part of you again. Sam said he was purposely leaving it like that so you would have something to do when you got back on your feet.”

            “Oh, did he.” Dean looked suspicious. “He better watch himself. If he left my car lookin’ like this I’ll kill him.”

            “The car was in fine condition the last time I saw it,” Cas assured him, brushing his hand lightly against Dean’s back for emphasis.

            “And when was that?”

            “A few days ago.”

            Dean huffed but accepted that. “Fine. But you’d better not be lyin’ to me.”

            He tried not to look or feel hurt by that. He had to remind himself Dean didn’t know him. Dean didn’t remember anything that Cas had done before and maybe in this case it was for the best.

            “I try to avoid lying to you whenever I can, Dean,” Cas said honestly. It felt better than making a promise that he would never lie to him, considering their past together.

            “Uh, okay. Good.” Dean eyed him but any other comments he was going to make were cut off by the sounds of Sam calling them from another part of the bunker.

            The two made their way that way as quickly as Dean was able to, but Sam came looking for them before they reached him.

            “You’re upright.” Sam looked both pleased and nervous. “You feelin’ all right?”

            “Do I have to kick your ass to show you how okay I am?” Dean cocked his head to the side.

            Sam laughed and held his hands up in surrender. It was the first time Castiel had seen him laugh in a long time.

            “No, that’s okay. We can save that for later.”

            They all made their way back to what had become the living area of the bunker. Once Sam and Cas had Dean settled- after some grumbling and more insisting that he was just fine- Sam went off to prepare them all some food. Cas stayed with Dean and it felt as though maybe the conversation was getting a little easier.

            Once Sam had made food the three of them sat together for the most relaxed and normal meal they’d each had in a while. Cas only partially picked at his food, though, which caught Dean’s attention.

            “C’mon, Cas, Sam’s cooking ain’t that bad, is it?”

            He looked up from his food to blink at him.

            “You’ve hardly touched anything.”

            “Oh.” Cas shrugged at his plate. He didn’t need to eat and was doing so mainly to keep up appearances. “I’m not that hungry.”

            “Sure you’re not. It’s okay to blame Sam’s cooking,” Dean teased, grinning at the look that earned him from Sam. “Once I’m more mobile I’ll get back in there and make you some real food.”

            “Back in there?” Sam asked, testing.

            Dean paused and had to think. “Yeah. I… I’ve cooked in there. Burgers.” He sounded a little more sure of himself by the end of that. Sam grinned at him.

            “Yeah. Awesome burgers.”

            Dean relaxed and nodded, pleased. “Damn right I did. I know what I’m doing.”

            The rest of the meal went smoothly and Dean even had a second serving. Much to Sam’s relief. Afterwards, though, he only stayed with the two for a few minutes before Sam decided he needed to get back to bed to rest. The fight he put up was more act than actual insistence at staying up.

            As Sam helped Dean up and walked him back to his room Cas watched the two go. He decided that if things kept going the way they were that Cas could probably leave in a few days. Before his grace completely burned out and without worrying either brother too much. It was probably better that Dean didn’t remember him, he thought. Dean had lost enough people in his life and if Cas died before Dean remembered then it couldn’t hurt him as much. That was a small consolation to him. Dean was human and alive again which was the most important- and only- reason that Cas had hung on as long as he had.


	4. Chapter 4

            The nightmare startled Dean awake so violently that he rolled off of his memory foam mattress with a heavy thud. His limbs had been flailing everywhere which contributed to the fall, and as he woke he let out an inadvertent yell of surprise. He scrambled to sit up, bumping his head against one of his nightstands in the process.

            The t-shirt he was wearing was sticking to his chest; he’d nearly fully sweated through the cloth. He was still only just realizing his surroundings and trying to both push away the images that had dragged him awake but also hold on to them so he could try to make sense of them later. Something about it felt like it was worth remembering.

            When Dean’s door burst open he jumped freshly, scrambling to his feet as adrenaline told him to ready for a fight.

            “Dean?” Cas had one hand on the door handle and was half inside his room, eyes wide and worried.

            “Cas.” Dean breathed out his name in relief. Relief at recognizing him and that it wasn’t some other part of his nightmare. Seeing him actually calmed Dean more quickly than he’d been doing on his own in his first few seconds of waking.

            “Are you all right? What happened?” He scanned the room like he was expecting something to jump out at him.

            Dean sank back on to his bed and hunched forward to hold his head in his hands, letting his fingers brush through his hair and push it back.

            “Dean?” Cas prompted again and took a hesitant step into the room, half reaching for Dean but stopping himself before he got to.

            He waved him off with one hand and straightened up a bit. “I’m fine, Cas. Just… startled, that’s all.”

            Cas was definitely not convinced. “Are you sure?”

            “Uh, yeah.” Dean wished that he could at least sound a little more convincing than that. “Nightmare, that’s all.” It felt weird to admit it but the words left his mouth before he could stop them. He cleared his throat to try to cover it. “But I’m fine. Really. You can go back to sleep.”

            Cas eyed him so Dean waved a hand again.

            “Seriously. Go.”

            He hesitated but nodded. He turned to go after looking like he was about to say something. Cas had just made it out of the door when Dean heard what sounded like a grunt of pain. He told himself to ignore it but got to his feet anyway and stepped over to the door. Just down the hallway Castiel was doubled over with his back to Dean. He seemed to be gasping in pain and he had one hand on the wall to hold himself up, the other clutching his stomach.

            “Castiel?”

            He turned to look over his shoulder at Dean but that seemed to just cause him further pain as he gasped and dropped to his knees. Before he could even think about it Dean had crossed the distance between them and was at his side and one hand on his shoulder.

            “Cas? Cas, c’mon, man,” he said as he gave his shoulder a little shake.

            It was another moment before he was able to pick his head up to look at Dean.

            “C’mon, get up,” Dean said again as he put one hand under Castiel’s arm and helped pull him back to his feet. He was still unsteady himself but he was at least able to offer enough support to get him back up. “The hell’s wrong with you?”

            “Nothing.” Now that he was upright Cas wiped at his mouth. It was a smooth and almost casual motion but Dean didn’t miss the smear of blood that got left on the back of Cas’ hand. “I’m fine.”

            “That’s the biggest load of bull I’ve heard in a while,” Dean muttered. “C’mon. Let’s sit down.”

            It took some careful maneuvering and assistance from the wall but the two managed to help each other back into Dean’s room and onto the bed. Cas had been about to help himself to the chair at Dean’s desk but Dean just dragged Cas to sit on the bed next to him.

            “All right, what the hell’s goin’ on with you?” Dean asked flatly once he was sure Cas was settled and looked alert enough to answer questions. The desk light in the room kept things still fairly dark and there wasn’t much light from the hallway. Even without it Dean could tell how pale Castiel had gone. And he wasn’t going to forget about the blood he’d seen either. This time he was going to get some answers even if it killed him. “And don’t you dare lie to me.”

            Cas wouldn’t look at him and he stayed silent so Dean just stared and waited. He shifted a little so he was better facing him and then waited some more.

            “I’m dying.”

            Dean blinked. “Sorry, what?” That couldn’t be right. He had definitely heard wrong.

            Cas glanced sideways at him but then returned his gaze to his hands in his lap. “I said that I’m dying.”

            “You looked just fine earlier,” Dean said, tone accusatory.

            “That’s because I felt fine earlier,” he replied dryly. “And now I don’t.”

            “Then how the hell do you know that you’re dying?” He was exaggerating. He had to be. Like when Sam was a little kid and tried some pop rocks and soda and Dean had declared that his stomach would explode and he’d die. Sam hadn’t believed him for very long but after trying the combination he had groaned and moaned as though he was going to die.

            “Because. I just know.” His tone was evasive and Dean didn’t appreciate it.

            “Cas.”

            He glanced at Dean again and looked uncomfortable under his tough gaze.

            “I know because I’ve been dying for months now.”

            Dean squinted. “Months?” he repeated. “So you’re sick? With what?”

            When he didn’t reply right away, Dean nudged him in the arm.

            “I said with what?”

            “It’s… complicated.”

            “Y’know,” Dean started, blowing out an annoyed breath. “I’m getting real sick of you and Sam tiptoeing around me. I’m a big boy, I can take it. Stop treating me like I’m going to freakin’ fall apart if you say the wrong thing.”

            “We’re trying to protect you,” Cas growled, finally looking at him again.

            “I get that, but from what? My god, you two are a real pain in the ass, y’know that? I think I deserve to know what happened to me to make me forget five freakin’ years of my life! I deserve to know, Cas! And if you’re really my friend then you’ll tell me what’s wrong with you. I don’t like finding out my friends are dying.”

            Cas took in a sharp breath, holding his gaze for a moment. “Sam doesn’t think it’s a good idea.”

            “Screw Sam. He isn’t here. I am. Now… talk to me.”

            Castiel’s expression softened at that. “Fine.” He paused again but seemed to be collecting his thoughts so Dean allowed it. “I’m dying because my grace is… burning out. It isn’t mine. I stole it.” He risked a quick glance at Dean. “Because I’m an angel.”

            “An angel,” Dean repeated.

            “Yes.”

            Dean took a moment to process that. His first reaction had been to say that angels weren’t real, they didn’t exist. They _couldn’t_ exist. But it didn’t feel right. Something tugged at his brain and he was willing to accept it for the moment.

            “So. You’re an angel. But you had to steal another angel’s grace?”

            Cas nodded. “Yes. Mine was… taken from me.”

            “But that didn’t kill you.”

            “No. But this will. This isn’t my grace. It’s… burning me out. In a manner of speaking. It’s been going on for months and I don’t think I have much time left.”

            “Wait a minute,” Dean shifted again so he was fully facing Castiel. “You’ve known about this for months and you haven’t done anything about it? Where’s your grace? Go get it or something. Or steal some more for yourself. Can’t you do that?” They were all obvious solutions and a part of Dean knew that if it was that easy then he would have gone out and done it ages ago. He wouldn’t have let it get this far.

            “I haven’t been able to find my grace. And I can’t steal more. Not… Not without killing another angel.”

            “And that would be bad,” Dean said, half guessing and half assuming.

            “I’ve done it before. I obviously did it before but… There has been too much of that lately. And they are all looking to me as some kind of leader.”

            “But you’ve been here.”

            Cas nodded. “I have. Helping Sam to help you was my priority.”

            “Oh.” Dean wasn’t sure what else to say to that so he left it. “Well. I’m up on my feet now. Sam and I will find some way to fix this.”

            “Dean, you’re only just on your feet again,” Cas pointed out firmly. “You need to rest and work on dealing with recovering your own memories.”

            “So you want me to sit here and let you die?” Something in Dean’s stomach twisted painfully at that. He was never good at sitting back and letting that happen, and even if he didn’t remember much more than a few flashes of things relating to Cas that idea made him feel sick.

            He didn’t answer that question right away. “I should go.” He pushed himself to his feet and turned towards the door.

            “That’s it? You’re just going to run away.”

            “No. I’m leaving so that you can get some rest.”

            Dean snorted. “Right. Okay. See you, Cas.” He watched Castiel retreat from his room and then flopped back onto his bed. Ordinarily he wouldn’t have been able to go back to sleep but Cas was right; he was still recovering and it wasn’t long before he was asleep again.

 

            The next morning Dean was pleased to realized he hadn’t had another nightmare. That was fairly surprising and he was even more pleased when he was able to get up and out of bed on his own. There were parts of him that were still painfully sore and he still felt drained. Like his body was expecting for him to have a whole lot more energy than he did. Fortunately, as he made his way out of his room he only had to support himself on the wall a few times.

            He went looking for Sam first thing and was a little surprised to find him in the kitchen. But he was much less surprised to see Sam leaning against a counter while reading a large book and waiting for some coffee to brew.

            “Dean. You’re up.” Sam looked him up and down so Dean gave a half wave and joined him in leaning against the counter.

            “I am. Feelin’ a lot better, actually.”

            Sam still seemed skeptical but he nodded. “Good. That’s great to hear.”

            “Yeah.” Dean paused. “Seen Cas this morning?” He was wondering if Castiel would have told Sam about the night before.

            “No. Think he went out before I got up.”

            “Guy really doesn’t sleep, does he?” Dean asked and side eyed his brother.

            Sam cleared his throat and tried to focus back on his book. “I, uh, I don’t really pay attention.”

            “Well, guess angels don’t really need to sleep that much,” Dean threw out there and then glanced at Sam to gauge his reaction. His brother stiffened up and whipped around to look at him.

            “Did you-?”

            “Remember?” Dean shook his head. “No, Cas told me last night. Told me he’s dying too. Thanks for mentioning that.”

            Sam grimaced and at least looked fairly guilty. “I’m sorry, Dean. I should have told you, but… There were certain things we agreed to tell you and some we agreed to wait on.”

            “We’ll worry about that later.” Truthfully it was just because Dean didn’t want to get into an argument with Sam right then. Sure he wished they told him more and it was killing him missing around five years of his life but he could worry about that later. Cas was the priority at the moment and it gave him something to focus on. “What have you got on this whole Cas running out of grace or whatever?”

            Sam sighed heavily and put the book down. He folded his arms as he turned to look at Dean.

            “Unfortunately I don’t have that much. There’s not exactly a lot of lore out there on angels who went human and then angel again. I tried talking to him about finding _his_ grace. I was kind of figuring that maybe that wouldn’t burn him out but who knows what Metatron did with it.”

            Dean listened intently as Sam spoke, trying to process all of that.

            _Metatron…_ He took in a sharp almost involuntarily breath as the name.

            Sam must have noticed because his expression changed and he stared at Dean intently. “Dean? Dude, you okay?”

            He shook himself and forced his gaze back to Sam. He felt a little dazed still but he nodded. “Y-yeah. Fine. Okay, so Transformer guy hid Cas’ grace somewhere.”

            “Cas, Hannah and a couple other angels practically tore Heaven apart looking. And I already checked for any unusual shooting stars or sudden plant growth-”

            “Like the tree that grew out of Anna’s grace,” Dean finished for him. That surprised even him and he blinked a couple of times but didn’t let either of them dwell on it for too long. “Then it’s probably still in Heaven.”

            Sam looked a little relieved. “Yeah. That’s my bet. Or Metatron did something else with it. So I’ve been looking into the spell he used to take it. I thought maybe that would be a better use of what time he’s got left.”

            “What was the spell like?”

            Sam hesitated.

            “C’mon, Sam, I’m not gonna remember it in time. Just tell me.”

            “He had Cas kill a nephilim, he took a Cupid’s bow, and then Cas said that his grace was supposed to be the finale part of the spell.”

            He frowned and thought that over. “That sounds like some serious spellwork, Sam. What’s it all got to do with each other, though?”

            Sam shook his head. “I don’t know. I haven’t been able to find the exact spell anywhere so I’m pretty sure it’s something Metatron knew as a scribe and that’s why it’s impossible to track down. I don’t even know if it _is_ possible to fix this thing with Cas’ grace.”

            “It’s possible, Sam,” Dean said flatly. The coffee had finished a while ago so he went to go pour himself a mug. “I’m not letting this guy die, not on my watch.”

            “Dean…”

            “Don’t tell me to just accept it. Because I’m not. And I can tell you’re not accepting it either.”

            “Of course I’m not. But the problem is there just isn’t enough information out there. I asked Cas about having a go at Metatron but… He says he’s locked down and he isn’t going to risk moving him. And if Cas has talked to him about this he isn’t telling me.”

            “Maybe he’ll tell me,” Dean suggested.

            “I think he might.” Sam looked honest and Dean was surprised that he had admitted that. “Dean, you two were… close. He helped me out a lot when you were… in trouble.”

            “But you don’t want me to push it,” Dean guessed. It was clear that there was something holding Sam back and it seemed obvious what it was. No matter how close Sam and Cas were, or even how close Dean and Cas had been, Sam had pretty clearly made Dean his priority in this situation.

            “I’m not saying we give up on Cas, I care about the guy almost as much as you do but, Dean…” He trailed off to pick his words carefully. “Cas is my friend too. And you’re my brother. You… We lost you for a while. And I don’t want that to happen again.”

            The gaps in Dean’s memory never felt larger than when he talked to Sam, especially after that.

            “What do you mean you’re not as close with Cas as I am? What, did he steal your girl once or something?” He meant it as a joke but he was honestly curious. Between Cas acting like there was something between them and now Sam’s comment he was wondering just what kind of relationship he’d had with the guy in the past few years.

            “Nothing,” Sam said defensively.

            “Sammy.”

            He shifted a little. That tone had always worked well on him. One of the perks of being a big brother, Dean thought.

            “Just… Things with you and Cas have always been different. He’s always been a lot closer to you than to me. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I think it’s great that you have a friend like Cas to depend on. But you’ve gone pretty far out of your way for the guy before and he knows it. I just…”

            This time he didn’t seem to be thinking of the right words so he let himself trail off.

            “Just what?” Dean prompted. He tried to keep from sounding too impatient but it was hard.

            Sam blew out a breath and dragged his gaze up to look at Dean. “I just don’t want to end up losing both of you because you won’t take care of yourself.”

            That was definitely not the response Dean had been expecting. It felt a little like he’d been knocked back and he slumped slightly to rest against the counter.

            “Sam, c’mon. That’s not going to happen.”

            “You don’t know that,” he snapped, again catching Dean off guard. “You can’t promise that at all.”

            Dean blinked at him, at a loss for words. He hadn’t seem Sam this obviously agitated in a while and before he could even think to say anything Sam started off again.

            “I get it. You don’t remember much, if anything for the past few years. But I do. Okay? I remember every single damn thing I did to try to keep you from going to Hell. I remember trying to bring you back. I remember losing Jo, and Ellen and Bobby. Cas too, I thought, once or twice. I remember losing you more than that and now that you’re okay and you’re human I… I’m not going to just sit here and watch as you go and get yourself killed again, okay? Call it selfish, that’s fine, but… I’m not losing you again.” Sam had startled himself with the outburst as well because he blinked and suddenly looked embarrassed by it. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

            It took Dean a moment to wrap his head around that. Jo and Ellen were dead. Bobby too. Fine, he thought, he could handle that. But he could handle it later. He knew if he spent too much time on it that he might drown in it and there wasn’t time for that. He could still save Cas and Sam was obviously in need of some help himself. Those had to be his priorities, not people that he’d already mourned. Even if he didn’t remember any of it.

            “No, it’s… It’s okay, Sam,” Dean told him quietly. He still remembered the kinds of things he’d done to keep Sam safe. All things considered he felt like Sam was handling things a lot better than he would be. “You’re right. I can’t promise I’ll be okay. But I’ve gotta help him. It’s Cas, Sam.”

            At that he nodded. “I know, Dean. I had a feeling you were going to say something like that.”

            Dean managed a faint smile. “Well, you always did know me better than anyone.”

            It got the smile out of Sam that Dean had been hoping for. It was small but he would take what he could get.

            “Okay, then I guess I should tell you this,” Sam said slowly, seemingly still debating with himself. “The spell I was telling you that Metatron used Cas’ grace for? There is one lead I was trying to track down. But I don’t have the right book for it here. I need to go into the next state and pick up a few things and talk to someone.”

            “I’ll go with you,” Dean volunteered immediately.

            Sam’s jaw clenched. “No, you won’t. I need you here and resting. Soon as Cas gets back I’ll tell him I’ve got a lead and he’ll stay with you.”

            “Sam-”

            “I’m serious, Dean. This isn’t a debate. You’re staying here. You’re going to rest. Do whatever research you think you can do from here but that’s it. Who knows, maybe you’ll find something I missed.”

            “Oh, yeah, because I can do so much research when I don’t even remember anything,” Dean muttered dryly. He looked up from his coffee only to see Sam pinning him with an extremely dark look.

            “You’ll do what you can. And if Cas tells me you’re pushing it too hard I _will_ come back and kick your ass. Clear?”

            Dean scowled. “You’re a real pain in the ass, you know that?”

            “Do we have a deal?”

            He was less than thrilled with the terms but he knew he wasn’t going to get much better. And he didn’t want to embarrass Sam by getting his butt kicked by his still healing big brother. Sam’s ego was fragile, after all. Or so Dean liked to tell himself.

            “Yeah, deal,” Dean grumbled.

            Sam’s shoulders relaxed. “Thank you.”

            “Yeah, yeah.” He put down his mostly untouched mug of coffee. “So when are you leaving?”

            “My bags are already packed. I wanted to talk to you and Cas about it before I left anyway. Was planning on going out this afternoon.”

            Dean accepted that. “Fine. I’ll make you some breakfast before you go.”

            “Uh, thanks.” Sam raised an eyebrow and watched as Dean turned to shuffle further into the kitchen. He hadn’t gone far, though, before he turned back. Before Sam could even say anything Dean had stepped in and pulled Sam down and into a hug. Dean had his arms wrapped tightly around Sam’s shoulders for a second before Sam tightly returned the hug. When Dean released him he smiled up at Sam and patted at his shoulders with both hands. After that he turned and shuffled further into the kitchen to start pulling out various ingredients. He eventually settled on making some pancakes for the two of them.


	5. Chapter 5

            Sam left the bunker right after sharing a pancake breakfast with Dean. There were no words for how much he enjoyed getting to share an almost normal meal with his brother. They kept the conversation as light as possible, although Sam did relent and tell Dean a few things. He started as far back as possible with the hope that those wouldn’t be as damaging as some of the recent ones. Dean also guessed a few things, remembering a few as well that he also contributed. Ultimately Sam didn’t tell him much beyond the fact that Dean had in fact gone to Hell but was brought back and they had been hunting mostly together for the past few years. He’d been about to ask more about that when Sam had decided it was time to go.

            Castiel wasn’t around by the time he left so he made Dean promise that he would take it easy and stay in the bunker until Cas got back. He was still nervous about leaving Dean alone but if he wanted to get going then he would need to. Before leaving Sam called Cas and left a message so that at least he knew that Dean was waiting for him to show up.

            The drive was going to take him a few hours and with Dean’s permission he had taken the Impala. There were other cars in the bunker’s garage to choose from, but all the supplies he’d need were already in there and if Dean and Cas needed to, they had Castiel’s car. Not that he wanted them going out at all, but just in case.

            In all honesty, Sam wasn’t a huge fan of leaving Dean alone. Not so soon after managing to turn him human again. But he trusted Dean with Cas. Anyway the whole purpose of the trip was to try and save Castiel so it was worth it. He was Sam’s friend too and he didn’t want to let him down. And even though Dean might not remember Cas right now, Sam had a strong feeling that if he did that he would be even more invested in keeping him alive than he was now.

 

            “So you killed a nephilim?”

            Castiel looked up from the book he was reading to peer over the table at Dean who was still staring at the book in his lap.

            “Yes,” he replied after a moment.

            “And apparently we jacked a Cupid’s bow.”

            Cas wasn’t sure what Dean was trying to get at. “We asked nicely and it was given to me for our purposes. What I thought was mine and Metatron’s purposes.”

            “Where did you even find a nephilim in the first place?” Finally Dean looked up and closed the book so he could concentrate on Cas.

            “Metatron did. He brought me there and… I killed her. That was the start of the spell.”

            Dean’s head tilted to the side. “Why a nephilim?”

            “I don’t know,” Cas replied gruffly. It was getting a little tiring listening to these questions because all he felt like it was doing was reminding him of how badly he’d failed by trusting Metatron. “I never asked.” Which was just one of the problems, he thought.

            Dean went quiet as he thought it over. “It just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me, that’s all. Nephilim, cupid’s bow and your grace. Why _your_ grace? Why didn’t he just grab another angel?”

            His jaw clenched a little. “I assume it was because I was the easiest target. I’d gone after him to try and stop him and he overpowered me instead. He could have used any angel but he wanted to turn me human on purpose.”

            “Why?”

            “I don’t know. He just told me to live a normal life and tell him the story when I died. He said I should go and find a wife and have children.”

            Dean made a face. “Havin’ a hard time imagining you with a couple of rugrats, Cas.”

            “I know. Is that all? Or do you have more questions.” He looked over at him.

            “I think I’m good,” Dean said with a shrug. “I just thought maybe there was something I was missing. Everything else in the spell I can get. Nephilim. Offspring of a human and an angel. Cupid’s bow. Self explanatory. But then… an angel’s grace? Any angel’s grace? I think there’s a reason it was you, Cas. It had to be your grace for the spell and I can’t figure out why.”

            That made Castiel pause. He had to admit he’d never thought of it that way. Of course he’d been too busy after being made human so it was fair, but now Dean had him wondering. Maybe it did have to be his grace for a reason. Not that he had any kind of idea why it had to be his but now it was something else to think about. Cas wasn’t sure it would do anything to solve his current problem, but now he was definitely wondering about it. Was it his grace specifically? And if so, why?

            “I doubt the reason Metatron took my grace has much bearing on a way to keep me from dying now,” he said honestly.

            “Never know,” Dean pointed out. “I can’t get it out of my head, it just… seems like it’s important.”

            “Are you sure that isn’t just because you tend to be slightly obsessive and since you don’t remember you’ve latched on to that and believe it to be important?”

            Dean shrugged. “Maybe. But it doesn’t feel like that.”

            Cas didn’t respond, simply going to get another book from the stack he’d collected. “Are you getting hungry yet?”

            “No.” Dean went back to flipping through his book. “So why’d you steal another angel’s grace anyway? Bein’ human that bad?”

            Castiel turned around to squint at Dean. “Why all the questions?”

            “Because I don’t remember,” he said as though that should have been obvious.

            “That’s not what I meant. You could be asking about anything, especially something relevant and you’re not.”

            “Never know what could be important,” Dean said slowly. Something in his tone had changed, though, and it made Castiel a little suspicious.

            “My motives to stealing an angel’s grace has very little bearing on ways to stop my grace from burning out. So why are you asking?”

            Dean huffed out a breath of annoyance. “Geez, Cas, just trying to make conversation, all right? Old me may have known all about you, but this me doesn’t know a thing. Just… trying to get a handle on why you do stuff, that’s all.” He stared back down at the book with a scowl.

            At that Cas went quiet. “I apologize. I… didn’t think about it that way. I was too focused on the task at hand.”

            “Forget it, it’s fine.”

            It didn’t feel fine and Cas wished he knew how to fix it. The last thing he wanted was for Dean to be annoyed with him.

            “If you want to get to know me again, I’d be happy to help you with that.”

            Dean raised an eyebrow. “Now you feel like sharin’?”

            “We may not get another chance.” It was a blunt reminder that he didn’t have much time left and he felt a little bad for it. “You could take weeks, or even months, to remember even a small amount of the past few years.”

            “Thanks for the reminder,” Dean muttered.

            Cas took his book and went to go sit closer to Dean. “What else would you like to know?”

            That got Dean to at least look at him and the two stared at each other for a long moment.

            “My nightmare. Uh, last night. Think you were in it.”

            That made Cas pause. He’d known Dean had nightmares but he’d never actually wanted to talk about them before now. And he’d never imagined that he would be a part of Dean’s nightmares.

            “What was it?” he asked carefully. Part of him was afraid that Dean would close back up immediately and stop wanting to talk to him.

            “You were, um… You weren’t you,” Dean said carefully. “I mean, you were you, but it wasn’t right. There was all this black goo and you, uh, I think you died. Tried following you into a river but I couldn’t get to you. I tried to get you but I couldn’t swim through the black goo and… Think you drowned. Woke up feeling like I was choking.”

            Cas didn’t know what to say for a long moment. He’d never thought that Dean would share something like that with him. Not to mention the fact that he knew exactly which memory that nightmare had stemmed from. He felt a pang of guilt that out of everything for Dean to have a nightmare from it had to be that memory. When Cas had just made one of the biggest mistakes in his life, just because he’d been too proud to listen to Dean and accept his help.

            “C’mon, Cas, say something,” Dean said, pained. “Please.”

            He shifted his chair in a little closer before speaking. “I’m not sure what to say. I don’t know whether it would help you or not to know that, yes, that nightmare is based off of a memory.”

            Dean’s jaw clenched. “That what Sam was talking about when he said you died?”

            “I believe so. One of the times, yes.”

            “One of the times.” Dean forced out a laugh. “You need some better friends, Cas.”

            He smiled faintly in response. “I’ve heard that before.”

            “And you didn’t listen.”

            “Well,” Cas said with a small shrug. “It’s hard to find better friends than you and Sam. No matter what you or anyone else says.”

            “So you’re crazy. No wonder you fit in so well with us.”

            “I suppose so.”

            “Yeah.” Dean’s expression went thoughtful then. “You know, the weird part of that nightmare was, uh…. Wasn’t afraid of you. Or the black goo I was drowning in. I, uh…” He trailed off and cleared his throat. “Nevermind. It’s stupid.”

            Cas was caught off guard by the sudden switch. “You can tell me,” he said easily. “Although, I’ll understand if you don’t want to.”

            Dean glanced up at him and then back at his hands which he had resting on his knees. “Worst part was that… that I couldn’t get to you. Couldn’t save you. And you died because of it.”

            “Dean…” Cas had no idea what to say to that. He recognized that was a very specific detail and emotion to accompany a nightmare. But then again, he reasoned, this was Dean Winchester, a man who had grown up fighting monsters so it probably made sense that his nightmares weren’t like most people’s. It made sense that his nightmares were about failing his friends. He remembered how upset Dean had been after purgatory when he thought he’d failed Cas, even though it hadn’t been that way at all. “That isn’t what happened at all.”

            He raised an eyebrow questioningly. “Thought you said it was a memory.”

            “It was based on one. But it was quite a bit different than that. To my knowledge you never went into the water after me. You thought I was dead long before that. I was being possessed by… a creature you’d never encountered before. It took my body into the water to get away from you. And according to Sam that was when you held on to my coat. It floated out of the river and you saved it. Then gave it back to me when you found me again.”

            Dean squinted and his gaze darted side to side in concentration. “Yeah… Yeah, I kept it in the trunk. Thought… Thought it was all that was left of you. Didn’t seem right leavin’ it there.”

            Cas felt a lump forming in his throat. It never occurred to him that that was why Dean had saved it. “You never told me that.”

            Dean barked a laugh and sat up straight, dragging a hand down his face. “Maybe you haven’t noticed, Cas, not exactly the sharing and carin’ type.”

            “That’s not true.” Sure, Dean tended to keep his own emotions bottled up tightly and didn’t express them well or at the right time. But he was usually the first to try to talk to him when something was wrong or he thought there was something Cas needed help with. “You may not be very open with me, but you’re reliable. You taught me the importance of talking to those you care about when they’re in trouble. You’ve talked to me enough times when you thought I needed it. I learned how to do that from you.”

            He blew out a little breath. “Think you know a lot more about me than I do right now. Not just memories.”

            Cas felt fairly certain that right then the one thing he wanted to do was hug Dean. But he was also sure it would have been awkward to initiate it considering they were sitting so close to each other; facing each other with their knees nearly touching. “You’re my friend, Dean.”

            He nodded but didn’t look back up at Cas. The two stayed where they were until Dean suddenly pushed himself to his feet.

            “I’m, uh, feelin’ a little fuzzy. Gonna take this book and go lay down. Read it there and then call Sam, see if he found anything.”

            Cas schooled his face back to neutrality and nodded. “Of course. Get some rest. I’ll be here if you need anything.”

            “Thanks, Cas,” Dean murmured, then started off towards his room. Cas watched him go and sat back with his book once he couldn’t see him anymore.

            He was fairly sure there wasn’t anything else to be found in these books but he went back to them anyway. He’d promised Dean he would go through them even though he was starting to wonder what was the point. And when he started to cough, spitting up even more blood than he had the previous night, he decided to keep that to himself.


	6. Chapter 6

_The heavy dungeon door did very little to muffle the sounds of Dean’s screaming and yelling from the other side. At first it would be easy to believe they were sounds of pain but Sam and Cas knew better._

_“He’s still going at it?” Sam asked. He rubbed absently at his arm where he’d been taking the injections from. He was a bit pale but it wasn’t as much from the strain of the process as it was just from stress._

_Cas nodded. “He hasn’t stopped since you left.”_

_“Anything important?”_

_“No.” Cas looked towards the door. “I think I should go in with you.”_

_“Cas, I can handle this.”_

_“I know you can. I just want to observe. That’s all.”_

_Sam glanced towards the door. He thought it over and then nodded. “Fine. But we still should talk to him as little as possible.”_

_“I understand.”_

_Sam blew out a breath and steeled himself to go in. Dealing with Dean hadn’t been easy on either of them, and this modified version of the demon curing ritual they’d first discovered in the bunker archives was taking more out of him than he’d thought. It wasn’t much different this time than it had been when he was doing the trials._

_As they walked in Dean wouldn’t stop his screaming and cursing. He glared furiously at them, still spitting out curses and insults as he tugged at the chains so hard that Sam actually wondered if he would be able to break them. He reminded himself that they were solid and covered in sigils to keep him from escaping. It only made him feel a little better. Knowing Cas was at his back was more of a comfort and Sam was glad he’d chosen to let Cas in with him this time._

_They’d been at this for three hours already and Sam distinctly remembered it going differently with Crowley by this point. It made him question whether this modified version would work. He wasn’t even sure if Dean would still be Dean by the time he was done._

_“Just watch him, Cas,” Sam muttered under his breath. This version of the ritual involved some spellwork on his part and he pulled out the paper to begin reciting from where he’d left off last time._

_Cas stood guard just behind him, gaze firmly stuck to Dean and the way he was pulling at the chains._

_“You two are delusional if you think that little ritual is going to do anything,” Dean said as he finally quieted his cursing down. “This how it went with Crowley, Sammy? I’m a Knight of Hell, you idiot. Knife won’t work on me, neither will that.”_

_Sam studiously ignored him. He continued chanting. As he finished Dean gave a sudden tug and before he fully realized what was happening he had pulled a hand free. The chain still was cuffed to his wrist but the chair itself had broken. Before he could react, Cas jumped forward and grabbed Dean’s arm. He wasn’t free enough to do much damage but it was obvious they couldn’t let him continue to struggle that badly._

_“Sam!”_

_His shout broke Sam out of his thoughts and he quickly finished reciting the ritual. The next part was a little more difficult as he was shaking a little but he managed to draw the blood from himself. Dean was still struggling against Castiel which only complicated things further._

_He waited to try to see if he could help somehow or wait for some kind of opening. Before that could happen he realized that Castiel was beginning to glow faintly. The white light was emanating from his entire body and Sam almost took a step back out of surprise._

_“Cas? Cas!” The last thing he wanted was for the angel to smite Dean before they were finished. If a weakened angel even stood a chance against him._

_The power surge clearly startled Dean as well because he slowly stopped thrashing even though he continued to curse loudly._

_“Cas! Castiel, I swear… Get the hell off me!”_

_That gave Sam the time to step forward and catch Dean in the neck with the needle. Dean cursed more as Sam depressed the purified blood into him. When he stepped back he nodded at Cas that he was clear. Cas then pressed a hand near Dean’s face, the light emanating from his palm intensifying. A moment later Dean slumped forward, unconscious._

_“Cas?” Sam asked questioningly._

_Slowly he straightened up but he looked haggard and out of it in a way Sam hadn’t seen in a while._

_“He’s fine. I just rendered him unconscious so we could have time to secure him once again.”_

_“I was asking about you,” Sam said dryly._

_“I’m fine as well,” Cas said but he looked away. “We should work quickly. I don’t know how long he’ll be out.”_

_Sam wasn’t convinced but knew Cas was at least right about that. Together they set to work to make sure Dean was safely strapped down. Both for his own safety and theirs._

 

_Finishing the ritual involved a lot of exactly what they’d been dealing with the entire time from Dean. A lot of struggling, cursing and black eyed glares from Dean. Fortunately Cas only had to use his powers the one time. Sam didn’t want that to end up running him out before they had a chance to figure out a way to save him. The last injection was the smoothest but the ending for this ritual was a little different. Cas had stayed in the room as they finished. This time he had a small part to play and everything seemed to go smoothly. Dean was still faintly struggling against the chains but his cursing had ebbed to low muttering. The further they’d gone into the ritual the more it had incapacitated Dean, but in a way that it seemed more like they were slowly sedating him. Even though Dean had been able to control the switch of his eyes from green to black and the other way around, throughout the ritual they had firmly stayed black._

_As Sam finally finished the ritual and stepped back he watched Dean’s eyes. He was looking up at him and his eyes went from dark black and slowly faded back to their normal green. He held  his brother’s gaze for a moment before Dean’s eyes closed and his head slumped forward._

_Cas reached a hand around and nodded to confirm his breathing. They both worked to untie him and carried Dean to his bed after that. Cas had initially offered to carry Dean on his own but Sam refused. That made it a little more awkward to carry Dean between the two of them. They settled on each wrapping one of Dean’s arms around their shoulders and dragging him to his room between the two of them. Getting him on to the bed was a little easier and as Cas stepped back, Sam continued to arrange his limbs and prop him up with pillows so that Dean was as comfortable as possible. He even pushed some of Dean’s hair back from his face as he straightened up._

_“Are you sure leaving him unsecured is a good idea?” Cas asked quietly._

_“I’m sure,” Sam said, not for the first time. “I’m going to stay with him. I’m not leaving, and I’m not letting my brother wake up tied down like that. If he tries to kill me…” He trailed off and shrugged. “Then that means it didn’t work and it doesn’t matter much anyway.”_

_After that Castiel stayed in the room with him for a few hours. Sam alternated between holding Dean’s hand or sitting back and watching him. Some time later Cas decided to give the two of them some space so he stepped out. He wasn’t sure what to do with himself but decided that if Dean woke up human then he would probably be hungry. After checking one last time that Sam would be okay he left the brothers alone in Dean’s room. As he left he could hear Sam speaking quietly to Dean and patting his hand._

_Later on when Cas stuck his head in to check on them he saw that Sam had fallen asleep with his head on the edge of Dean’s bed, one hand wrapped around his. He watched the two for a moment just to be sure they were both fine. By that point he was just as worried about Sam as he was about Dean. Quietly he slipped out to leave the brothers alone and to get some rest himself. Despite his assurances that he was fine he was drained and tired and he wanted to be ready for whenever Dean finally woke up._


	7. Chapter 7

            The nightmares returned the following night. It would be a lie to say that Dean wasn’t expecting them. In a way he figured that that was how his brain was going to handle anything that he’d forgotten that was going to come back to him. It was weird to think of that way but once Cas told Dean that the nightmare had been mostly true it seemed like that was the next logical conclusion.

            This nightmare was different from the night before and before it had time to fully startle him awake an outside sound did just that. Growing up taking care of Sam had tuned him in to subtle sounds no one but a parent or older sibling would notice, and growing up as a hunter made him filter through those noises even when he was deeply asleep for any signs of trouble.

            It meant that even though the noises outside his room were muffled and anyone else might have slept through them, it jerked Dean awake even from the nightmare. He lay in bed quietly for a moment as he tried to figure out if it was part of the nightmare or an actual noise. When he realized it wasn’t just his imagination he sat up and carefully got out of bed. The sounds were coming from down the hall past Sam’s room and once he was out of bed he quickly recognized it as the sound of coughing. Like someone was hacking up a lung. Or even an intestine. He quickly moved towards the sound and easily located Cas in the bathroom.

            "Cas?" He stuck his head inside to see him bent over the sink, flecks of blood coating the ceramic and Castiel's body shaking from coughing so badly. It was hard to ignore the spike of panic in his chest when he realized just how bad it was. He called out Castiel’s name again as he rushed forward to his side and put a hand on his back. It wasn’t like he could just easily figure out a way to stop the coughing so he just stayed at Castiel’s side as he struggled through the coughing fit.

            When he was finally able to breathe a little more consistently and wasn’t interrupted by hacking rasps he tried to straighten up and look over at Dean.

            “Easy, okay, just take it easy.” Dean put his arm around Castiel’s shoulders then. Cas leaned in to him willingly and let Dean ease him down on to the ground. He propped Cas up against the wall next to the sink and watched him for any signs of another coughing fit. There were flecks of blood around his mouth. Dean quickly grabbed a small hand towel and gently wiped as Castiel’s mouth while watching him nervously to try and check if he was all right.

            “Just breathe, man, take it easy,” Dean told him quietly. He gently rubbed at Castiel’s back while his breathing steadied out and the last few smaller coughs wound down. “You’re okay, it’s okay.”

            It was another few minutes before Cas had settled enough to speak. He was still slumped slightly into Dean’s arm. At some point Dean had started smoothing back his hair away from his sweaty forehead.

            “Thank you, Dean.” Cas’ voice was raspy and he wiped at his mouth as though he could still feel the blood there even though Dean had wiped it all carefully away.

            “You’re getting worse.”

            Cas just nodded once, biting back another little cough. Up close Dean now noticed that he had gone incredibly pale and for some reason he had to fight back the impulse to kiss the side of Castiel’s head. Instead he just pushed his hair back again, leaving some of the wet parts all standing up in various directions.

            They stayed there for a moment and Dean got another washcloth that he made damp with cool water to wipe down Cas’ face. “C’mon, buddy. Let’s get you back to bed.”

            Cas gave a weak nod. He lifted a hand for Dean to grab to help him up but instead Dean just threw Castiel’s arm around his shoulders and helped haul him to his feet. He wordlessly just about hauled Cas down the hall and back to his room.

            “Dean,” Cas grumbled slightly as he sank down onto the bed. “This is your room.”

            “I know.”

            “I’m not going to stay here.”

            Dean frowned slightly. “Why not?”

            Cas narrowed his eyes and didn’t answer right away. “Because this is your room.”

            “That’s kind of the point, Cas,” Dean said dryly. “You can stay here and take it easy. I’m…. I’m not going back to sleep.”

            “I don’t sleep.”

            “Maybe not, but you need some rest. Might as well be here.”

            “In your bed.”

            Dean cleared his throat. “Don’t make this weird, Cas.”

            That immediately quieted Cas. He didn’t seem to know what to do at first, or maybe it was the fact that Dean was watching him intently but he stayed sitting for a while. Eventually he seemed to give in and carefully lay down on his side. He grabbed at Dean’s pillow and settled in.

            “Sam’ll find something,” Dean said, breaking the quiet. He was sitting in a chair next to the bed and watching Cas intently.

            “Maybe.” If he was going to say anything else it was cut off by another coughing fit. Cas had curled up tightly on the bed and Dean pulled his chair in close so that he could lean over. He muttered reassuringly at him, trying to encourage him to just breathe and take it easy. It passed after a while but this time Dean could hear that Castiel’s breathing was a little labored. The wheezing sound made Dean uneasy so he rubbed at Cas’ back some more to try and soothe him. More than anything he wanted to call Sam and urge him to hurry, or ask his brother what he should do. But that would have meant leaving Cas and Dean wasn’t willing to do that.

            “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay.” He wiped more blood from his mouth and got up to go get a cool washcloth again. Before he could go Cas grabbed at his wrist to keep him there. “Dude, I’ll be right back.”

            “Don’t.” Cas’ voice was hoarse and cracked even on that one word. “Please stay.”

            “Cas…” Dean wanted to argue but didn’t have the heart. So he nodded and settled again, leaning in to dab at Cas’ forehead with the washcloth he already had. “Okay. Don’t worry, it’s okay, I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

            Cas went quiet after that and for a while Dean thought he’d finally fallen asleep. His breathing was still ragged but he’d stopped coughing long enough that Dean relaxed, believing he was getting some rest.

            “Don’t blame yourself.”

            Dean forced himself to lean in, not sure he’d heard him right. “What?”

            Cas gave an exasperated sigh and tried to prop himself up a little to look at him. “When I die. Don’t blame yourself.”

            “Whoa, Cas-”

            “I’m not done.” Cas gritted his teeth, fighting back another coughing fit and Dean could tell that he was putting in a lot of effort just to get that much out. “Now listen to me, and listen carefully.”

            Dean swallowed hard and nodded. He pushed Cas’ hair back again so he could lean in close. “I’m listening, Cas.”

            “When you remember everything- because I have no doubt that you will- do not blame yourself.” Cas gave a small cough and Dean did something without even thinking. He slipped his free hand into one of Castiel’s and gave a little squeeze to encourage him to continue. “Take care of yourself. You did not _let_ me die. You and Sam did everything you could.” He clenched Dean’s hand hard then and Dean got a feeling that the coughing was just really the visible symptom and that Cas was doing much worse than he was willing to let on. As he steadied his breathing again he locked his gaze with Dean’s. “Remember that, Dean. And take care of yourself. Please.”

            Dean wanted to reply, wanted to give some casual answer about how he always takes care of himself but the words got stuck in his throat. Since he couldn’t get that out and Cas wouldn’t look away he just nodded. It was the only reply he could give but he also felt like he was giving a promise that he was going to have to seriously try and keep.

            Cas continued to look at him but then seemed satisfied and tried to settle back. Dean didn’t let go of his hand and kept a tight grip, his free hand then smoothing his hair back some more. After a while Cas let his eyes close and Dean kept a close eye on his breathing. He thought maybe Cas felt like he was developing a fever but he wasn’t going to get up and check beyond pressing a hand to his forehead when he went to push his hair back. Dean felt pretty confident that the coughing had subsided for the moment but he still stayed close, hunched over the edge of the bed and holding on to Cas’ hand. As promised, Dean didn’t fall back asleep. However, despite his assurances that he didn’t sleep, Cas soon drifted off. Dean wasn’t sure how long it would be but he decided then and there that he’d stay right where he was until Cas woke up.


	8. Chapter 8

            When Sam finally returned from his trip he couldn’t help but feel like he had not only wasted time but had let both Cas and Dean down. He got back to the bunker early in the morning and didn’t go looking for either of them just yet. He didn’t want to admit that the whole trip had been a waste. It was hard not to think that he should have just stayed, so Sam tried to remind himself that every lead was worth tracking down. Even if it didn’t end up being a workable lead.

            As Sam made his way into the bunker he felt like things were quiet. Too quiet for his taste and he felt a nervous drop in his stomach that he was all too familiar with. Out of instinct he pulled his gun from the waistband of his jeans and made his way further into the bunker.

            “Dean? Cas?” He made his way towards their bedrooms. Since it was still early he had a hope that maybe he was just being too paranoid and the only reason it was quiet was because his brother and Castiel were still in bed. There was no response so Sam went straight for Dean’s room. Once outside he stood against the wall for a moment as he tried to listen for any other sounds. When there weren’t any he pushed the door open and stepped inside with his gun raised, bracing himself for anything he might find inside.

            The only problem was that Sam had prepared himself for the wrong thing. He was ready to see the walls splattered with blood or the room tossed like someone had been looking for something. Instead he saw Cas laying on one side of Dean’s bed and Dean sitting in a chair pulled close to the side, holding Castiel’s hand and asleep with his head on the edge of the bed.

            Sam was more surprised to find that the two safe and sound than he was to see Dean holding on to Castiel’s hand like his life depended on it. Since it was pretty clear that the two of them were safe and sound Sam slowly backed out of the room and closed the door again. He’d be able to deal with them both when they were awake. No reason to wake either of them for the fact that Sam had brought back nothing useful.

 

            A few hours later Sam had made himself a sandwich and was elbows deep in more research. The trip had done one thing for him in that he now was able to narrow down what things he had no way of using to help Castiel. Of course that left him with now no workable leads, but he at least knew what definitely wouldn’t work.

            He heard some footsteps and he glanced up to see Dean shuffling towards him and rubbing sleep from his eyes.

            “Hey, Dean.” He gave his brother a small smile. Despite the situation it was taking everything Sam had as a little brother to not tease Dean for the way he’d found him earlier in the morning.

            “Guess you didn’t find anything.” The disappointment and bitterness was clear in his voice.

            “No. Sorry, man.”

            Dean shook his head and collapsed into the seat across from Sam. “He’s getting worse.”

            “We’ll find something.” Sam tried to sound as encouraging as possible but was pretty sure he failed. He’d hit too many dead ends and even though he didn’t want to admit it he was getting worn down. There were only so many missed nights of sleep before it started to catch up to him.

            Dean nodded but didn’t look convinced. “Guy says he doesn’t sleep but he sure snores pretty good,” he said dryly.

            “Yeah, you’d know wouldn’t you.” Sam couldn’t help himself. The words slipped out and he glanced over at Dean with a little smirk on his face.

            At first Dean didn’t catch his meaning but then narrowed his gaze at his brother. “What the hell’s that mean?”

            “Nothing, nothing,” Sam said innocently. The smile spread wider across his face, though. “Just saw you two this morning, that’s all.”

            Dean quickly straightened up and stared at Sam. “It’s not- I was _tired_ , man. There’s nothing wrong with keeping him company.”

            “You needed to hold his hand for that?”

            Dean sputtered and pushed himself back from the table. Sam could tell the teasing had hit a nerve he hadn’t meant to hit so he switched gears quickly.

            “Dean, I’m not- I don’t have a problem with it. There’s nothing wrong with comforting your friend.” Sam wasn’t blind. And he knew his brother better than anyone. There was no denying that before Dean had become a demon that there was _something_ going on between Dean and Castiel and it was also just as obvious that neither of the two were willing to do anything about it. Sam had known it for years and had sat on that information for when the two of them were ready to deal with it themselves. But under the circumstances he decided maybe waiting wasn’t the best option anymore.

            “Right. No. I know that,” Dean said, still looking disgruntled.

            “And there’s nothing wrong with it if you maybe meant it as… something more than friendship.”

            Dean didn’t respond to that right away. He chewed on the inside of his lip and stared at a spot on the floor for a while. Sam thought he was going to get up and run away from the conversation but he ended up leaning in towards him instead.

            “Is that… Was there something between us? More than friends, that is. Is that another thing I don’t remember?”

            Sam definitely hadn’t anticipated that question so it took him a moment to think of a good answer. “I don’t know.” Before Dean could interrupt Sam held up a hand to allow himself to continue. “I don’t know because you don’t exactly talk about your feelings with me anymore. And especially not about Cas. I mean, you guys are definitely close. Cas is family, no question. But there’s not… You weren’t dating the guy or anything. Not that I know of. I like to think I would have noticed if you were, but to be honest I’m not so sure anymore. You and I had a lot of secrets lately. More than I would have liked. Is it possible you and Cas were one of them? Sure it is. But if it was he hasn’t said anything about it to me either.”

            Dean seemed to take that better than Sam had expected but he continued to watch his big brother expectantly. “I think… I think that, uh…”

            When he trailed off and didn’t continue Sam raised his eyebrows slightly. “You think what?”

            Dean pushed himself to his feet suddenly and turned towards the kitchen. “I think Cas would like some eggs for breakfast. He looked hungry when he woke up early so I’m gonna make him something.”

            “Dean…” Sam’s shoulders sagged and he stood up as well, trying to decide if he should press the conversation or not. It didn’t take knowing Dean his entire life for Sam to tell there was something on his mind.

            “Sam.” The word was clipped and short and Sam tensed up. The last thing he wanted was to start another fight. Not when he just got Dean back. “Look, let me get Cas some breakfast. You… You keep researching. When he’s fed I’ll come join you.”

            Sam accepted that with a nod, resigned to another conversation left unfinished.

            Before he left the room Dean glanced back at Sam over his shoulder. “We can talk while we work.”

            Sam looked over in surprise but Dean was gone by the time he had processed that enough to come up with a response.

 

            Over an hour later Sam was starting to think that Dean had either gotten caught up spending time with Cas or that he was using spending time with Cas to avoid talking the way he had promised. While it didn’t surprise him, Sam would be lying if he said it didn’t hurt him.

            Instead of focusing on it, though, Sam worked on the research. He had just managed to push the lost conversation with Dean from his mind when his brother reappeared and held out a large mug of steaming hot coffee.

            “Look like you could use the pick-me-up,” Dean said with a faint smile.

            Sam accepted the mug with a nod of thanks, taking a sip as Dean settled into a seat across from him.

            “Anything?” Dean asked, taking a sip of his own coffee.

            Sam pushed over a stack of books. “This is where I’m starting next. Pick a book.”

            “Thanks.” Dean started on one of the books, flipping through and studying it for a few minutes before breaking the silence. “Still wanna talk?”

            Sam nodded quickly and sat up straight. He didn’t try to hide how badly he wanted a conversation. “Yeah. Definitely.”

            Dean nodded slowly but his gaze mostly stayed on the book in his hands. “Anything in particular?”

            Sam was even more surprised by the fact that Dean was giving him a _choice_ on the topic and that took him a moment to recover from. “Well. We didn’t finish talking about you and Cas.”

            “No. We didn’t.” Dean flipped a few pages in his book. “Want to?”

            “Uh, yeah.”

            Dean nodded slightly. “I just, uh… He had a really bad night last night. I just… was trying to comfort him.”

            Sam accepted that quietly, using the excuse of finishing reading a page to collect his thoughts. “That seems fair enough.”

            “I just… I wanna help the guy. If he dies I… I don’t know what I’m going to do.” Dean’s voice went quiet as he finished speaking.

            Sam risked a glance across the table towards his brother. “Do you… Are you and he… Are you into Cas?” It was a fair question and one Sam had thought about on more than one occasion.

            Dean didn’t speak for a long moment and Sam started to think he had pushed his luck with the conversation.

            “I think so, yeah.”

            Sam nearly dropped his book in surprise as he stared over at Dean. “You… Seriously?”

            “What, you goin’ deaf or something?” Dean grumbled in annoyance. “You heard me.”

            “No, I know,” Sam said quickly. “It’s just… I didn’t think you’d ever admit it.”

            Dean squinted at Sam over his book. “So you knew.”

            “No, I suspected,” Sam corrected. “And you weren’t talking so that’s all I had.”

            “And- And Cas? Did you ‘suspect’ anything on his end?”

            Sam had to resist hard the urge to point out Dean suddenly sounded like a worried high schooler asking about his crush. “No, him I know. As soon as you were… looking like you might wake up the first thing he did was run out and get you pie and beer. And the way he looks at you… Yeah, no, I didn’t suspect. I knew. But no, we never talked about it.”

            Dean took that in silently and Sam watched him. Sam wanted to ask what he was thinking but even Dean himself seemed to be having a hard time sorting out his thoughts so Sam gave him a moment.

            “I can’t… I can’t lose him again,” Dean said quietly.

            “You remember?” Sam raised an eyebrow. “Which time?”

            Dean grimaced and looked away. “I remember him going into the water. Saving his trenchcoat after. There other times?”

            Sam nodded slowly. “Uh, yeah. A few.”

            “Shouldn’t surprise me. I mean, I died, right? Hell first. Then this whatever ritual thing you and Cas worked on to bring me back.”

            The conversation was starting to steer towards territory that Sam wanted to stay away from. Partly for his own sanity and partly because he was afraid what the knowledge would do to Dean. “Something like that, yeah.”

            “So we can share and care about my feelings for Cas but not that?”

            “Not yet.” Sam looked a little pained. “Dean. Please. This is for you.”

            It was pretty clear by the look on Dean’s face that he didn’t like it but was forcing himself to accept it. “Fine. For now.”

            “Thank you.” Sam gave a faint smile of gratitude. “Seriously.”

            “Yeah, yeah,” Dean grumbled and went back to his book. “Are we done now? All this sharing and caring isn’t going to do much if Cas still dies.”

            Sam nodded quickly. “Of course.”

            The silence that followed was the most comfortable Sam had experienced between him and Dean in the longest time. He even found himself smiling faintly, so grateful to just have his brother sitting across from him again.


	9. Chapter 9

The next few days of research went slowly and yet it seemed like Cas was getting worse faster and faster. For Dean the biggest problem was finding a way to focus on research past the panic that had settled in his chest and wouldn’t go away. They’d done work on time crunches before and more often than not it seemed like that was how things operated in their lives. But this was different and Dean refused to acknowledge why. The only thing he wanted to do was sit up with Cas in his room and spend the time with him. It seemed like they’d run out of leads and were at a point that even Cas himself couldn’t help them with. Not that he’d been of much help lately.

            Finally Dean stood up from his seat and angrily slammed his book down on the table.

            “I can’t do this, man.”

            From his spot across the room Sam looked up, mildly startled. “Dean…”

            “No! Sammy. Stop. This… None of this is working. I’m… I’m gonna go check on Cas.”

            Behind him Sam called out for him but he ignored it. If Sam wanted to keep on researching then he could. But Dean felt like every minute he spent researching was time he would rather be spending with Cas. Anyway if anyone was going to find a last minute cure for Castiel’s problem then it would be Sam. He had all the memories and research was always his area. Dean knew his way around books just fine, but in this case he trusted Sam with it.

            When Dean got to his room he didn’t bother knocking. He simply opened it and stuck his head inside. The only reason he didn’t just barge in was because he wasn’t sure if he would be walking on Cas sleeping or, well, dead.

            This time when Dean came in, Cas looked up. Without realizing it, Dean let out a relieved breath that he hadn’t even been aware he’d been holding as he pushed the door open.

            “Hello, Dean.” Castiel’s voice was hoarse and he didn’t even have the energy to push himself up in bed. Fortunately Dean had left him with a bunch of pillows and had propped him up before he’d left to research with Sam. He wasn’t coughing any more but Dean suspected that was a bad sign instead of a good one. He was still spitting up blood but it seemed like he didn’t have the energy anymore to cough it up.

            “Heya, Cas.” Dean pulled the chair in close to the edge of the bed and sat down so that his knees were touching the edge of the bed. Immediately he reached out and grabbed one of Castiel’s hands in both of his. He linked their thumbs together and covered his hand in the other, giving a squeeze that he hoped would come across as reassuring rather than nervous.

            “You don’t need to sit with me.” Getting even that much out was definitely a struggle for Cas. He had to force the words out and stop halfway through the sentence to take in another gulp of oxygen.

            “I know I don’t,” Dean said honestly. He’d meant the squeeze to be just that; instead he ended up gripping tightly at Cas’ hand and refused to let go. “But I want to. Sam’s got the research covered. If either of us is gonna find anything, it’ll be my little brother.” At least Dean didn’t have to fake that faith. He knew it was true. Sam had done more amazing things than anyone else Dean knew and that didn’t even take into account whatever he’d done that Dean had forgotten about.

            Cas gave Dean’s hand a weak squeeze in return. Dean had to try not to let on how much it worried him that it seemed to take that much effort to get that much strength from him.

            “Thank you.” Cas gave a weak smile but it was clearly heartfelt.

            "Don’t, uh, don't say that like that," Dean muttered.

            Cas frowned in response. "I'm just thanking you."

            "I know. I know, but it... It sounds too final."

            "Oh." Cas didn't seem to know what else to say to that so he went quiet. Dean wasn't too comfortable with that silence. It was uncomfortable and awkward and right then he wanted to have Cas talk. He wanted to hear his voice.

            For a moment he couldn’t think of anything. “Hey, Cas?” He gave him a moment to pull his eyes open again and let him focus. “How’d we meet?”

            “I’m not supposed to tell you that.”

            Dean squeezed his hand again. “C’mon. I wanna hear it from you.” He left it unsaid that they might not get another chance.

            His gaze slid away from Dean. “You summoned me. You and Bobby.”

            Dean shook his head. “No, how we _really_ met. I… Kind of remember the warehouse. I stabbed you.”

            Cas smiled faintly. “You did. It was a respectable attempt.”

            “Thanks. I think.” He lightly tugged at Cas’ hand then. “So? C’mon.”

            Castiel’s expression went serious. “I don’t think I should tell you.”

            “Cas.”

            “It was in Hell.”

            The words shouldn’t have surprised Dean. He’d already heard from Sam about the fact that he’d been to Hell. He only had a few fragmented memories of it, not enough to feel real. Just enough to form nightmares, but those were nothing unusual for Dean. But hearing it from Cas made it feel painfully real.

            “I wasn’t the only angel to be sent after you.” He had to pause then, coughing weakly as his grip on Dean’s hand tightened.

            Dean swallowed hard and brought Cas’ hand up to to his face. He lightly pressed his knuckles to his lips as he watched anxiously.

            A deep breath steadied Cas before he spoke again. “I just got to you first.” The look of pride on Castiel’s face was obvious. “You were…”

            Dean waited for him continue, leaving Castiel’s knuckles pressed to his lips. He didn’t like the way that his hand felt cold, even wrapped up in both of Dean’s.

            “I was worried about you. About what damage Hell would do to you.” He paused to catch his breath. Even that much talking made Cas sound like he’d been running a marathon. “No human had come back from that torture before.”

            “I like to press my luck.”

            “But it was… satisfying. To bring you back. And put you back together.”

            Dean raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

            “It was my first… closest interaction with humans. You proved me wrong. I doubted you would be all right afterwards.”

            “Yeah. Uh… Thanks.”

            Cas looked a little sad then. “I was just following orders.”

            “So?” Dean shrugged. “I was thanking you for sticking around.”

            “Oh.” That actually got a small smile out of him and Dean’s heart jumped into his throat. It was a small smile but made Dean feel lighter than he had in a while.

            That small conversation had definitely taken a lot out of Cas and he closed his eyes for a moment. Dean gave him some time before he lightly tugged as his hand to get his attention again.

            “Cas. Hey, Cas?”

            It took some effort but he opened his eyes again to look at Dean. He’d scooted in as close to the bed as he could, elbows resting on the edge even as he kept a grip on Cas’ hand.

            As much as Dean wanted to ask his question he couldn’t help but feel like the words had caught in his throat. In a gesture of prompting Cas lightly squeezed Dean’s hand.

            “I, uh… I…” Dean cleared his throat but hadn’t torn his gaze from Castiel’s. “Can I kiss you?”

            Cas’ eyes widened in obvious surprise and Dean felt sure he’d gone and messed it up. That Cas was going to ask him to leave or that he wouldn’t know how to make it clear that they were friends. Castiel had always said that and Dean couldn’t help but wonder just what had possessed him to ask such a stupid question.

            “Yes.”

            Dean blinked. “You- what?”

            “I want you to kiss me.”

            As pale as Castiel had gotten over the past few days his eyes were as blue as ever. Blue and bright and holding Dean’s gaze. Before he could second guess himself he quickly leaned in towards Cas, picking himself out of the seat just enough to close the distance between them. It was a gentle kiss and Dean didn’t hold it for very long before he pulled back. He sort of licked his lips then, taking in the feeling of Cas’s rough lips against his. The faint taste of blood was immediately recognizable but he tried not to think about it too much.

            As Dean started to sit back in his seat the door burst open. Both he and Cas jumped and Dean nearly fell out of his seat in surprise. He still held on to Castiel’s hand with his own and turned to face the door that Sam had burst through.

            If Sam was confused by Dean holding on to Cas’ hand or if he even cared he didn’t let on.

            “Cas, I need you to tell me if this has anything to do with the spell we used on Dean to, y’know,” Sam said urgently, crossing the room to the bedside in about three giant steps. Dean was still so surprised by his entrance that he didn’t even think to let go of Castiel.

            As Sam held the book out and up for Cas he peered over the words. Dean could feel his heart still hammering away in his chest; both from the kiss and now with the hope that maybe Sam had found something important.

            “Dean, here, you hold this for him, I’m going to start getting things together.” Sam then reached over the bed to hold the book out and then seemed to notice the look on his brother’s face and the fact the two were holding hands. He looked a little confused but didn’t bother asking anything about what was going on. Dean quietly reached out and took the book, holding it at an angle so that Cas could still see it. “I’ll be right back.”

            Without even explaining anything more than that Sam rushed out of the room just as quickly as he’d entered.

            “Uh. Well.” Dean searched for something to say but Cas was already too focused on the book.

            “That… just might work.”

            “What?” Dean all but demanded, refusing to let himself hope just yet. But his chest was tight with nerves and he couldn’t ignore the feeling.

            “During the ritual… I used some of my grace to heal you. Similar to when I pulled you out of Hell. It left a visible mark then. This would be… slightly different.”

            Dean had to make himself not rush Cas who was still speaking slowly and with labored breathing. “But what’s that got to with anything?”

            “Sam believes…” Cas trailed off again but this time Dean watched as his eyelids dropped and he sank back into the pillows.

            “Cas? Cas!” Dean dropped the book and grabbed at his shoulder to shake him back awake. “Cas!”

            It took a moment and Cas woke again slowly. As he did Sam returned with an armful of different things. Dean hardly paid attention to him, though, completely focused on Cas waking back up.

            “Dean, help me out here.”

            He reluctantly pulled his gaze away from Castiel and looked towards Sam. He stepped over to his brother and quickly helped prep the ritual he was starting.

            “Here.” Sam pushed a knife into Dean’s hand. He immediately knew what he wanted and he groaned. Sam pushed a little bowl over towards Dean.

            It wasn’t ideal but a quick cut to the hand soon gave enough blood that Sam was satisfied and took the bowl back. There were a lot of nerve endings in a hand but it also gave the quickest amount of blood. Dean had dealt with worse pain and it would heal in time.

            “C’mon.” Sam went back over towards the bed and Dean trailed him nervously. Dean still wasn’t clear on how the ritual was meant to work or just exactly was going on. But from what he was able to understand some ritual that Cas and Sam had done to him or for him had created some kind of link between him and Cas. A flash of memory popped into mind, of a seance where they had attempted to summon Castiel. The handprint had been enough to be able to create a way for them to find out just what his name was. If something like that existed from the last ritual he hoped it would be enough to save Cas this time.

            “Stand here,” Sam instructed. He pushed Dean to stand next to Cas and grabbed the bowl with Dean’s blood and other ingredients. Dean’s hand was still bleeding but Sam hadn’t handed him a bandana to wrap it yet so Dean just kept a tight fist and a hand under to catch the blood droplets. “And hold this.” He then held out the knife to Dean who took it suspiciously.

            “Sam…”

            “Just wait.” He started reading from a different book that he’d brought with him while both Dean and Cas looked on, more than a little confused. Cas was obviously fighting to stay conscious and Dean snapped his attention to him instead.

            “Sam.”

            This time he looked up and followed Dean’s gaze. “Make a matching cut on Cas’ hand,” he instructed. Dean decided they were out of time for him to question things so he just did as he was told. It worried him how little of a reaction that received out of Cas who was fading fast. It was obvious that if Sam’s idea didn’t work then Dean would have to watch another friend die. Even if ‘friend’ didn’t quite seem to cover just what Cas was to him. He wanted to have the time to figure out what word did fit their relationship.

            “C’mon, c’mon,” he encouraged as Sam continued to read. Another moment later he then nodded at Dean, who then grasped at Cas’ hand. The cut stung but that didn’t even get a reaction out of Cas.

            Sam continued to read for another moment and then looked up at Dean.

            “Well?” Dean prompted.

            In response, Sam simply shrugged. “That’s it, that’s all I’ve got.”

            “That’s it?” Dean glanced down at the hands between them; he’d been expecting some kind of sign it had worked. A flash of light, some feeling of the connection between them. Something. “There has to be something else.”

            Sam shook his head and looked at Cas nervously. His eyes had closed and his breathing was shallow; but he still had a firm grip on Dean’s hand. “That’s all I’ve got, Dean.”

            Dean felt his stomach sink and he dropped back into the chair next to the bed. He hadn’t let go yet and he wrapped his other hand around Castiel’s. “C’mon, Cas. Think it’s up to you now,” he muttered quietly, watching for any sign. Maybe he was just hoping but it seemed like at least Cas had stopped getting worse. He looked asleep instead of unconscious and at least his breathing was steady, even if it was shallow.

            “Can you give me a minute, Sam?”

            “Uh, yeah. Sure.” Sam lingered a moment longer to watch them but then quietly grabbed his things to clean up, leaving some bandages for Dean to use to clean them both up. Dean ignored it for the moment and continued to watch Cas for any sign that he’d wake up. Or not.

            After a moment he leaned in again to press a light kiss to Castiel’s lips.

 

            A few minutes later Dean felt the grip on his hand loosen. His gaze snapped up to Castiel’s face, expecting to see that he’d stopped breathing. Instead a pair of blue eyes blinked at him. Dean just sagged in relief. He pressed his lips to Cas’ knuckles as he had done earlier but couldn’t form any coherent words.

            Cas just gave a weak smile. “Hello, Dean.”


	10. Chapter 10

            The recovery process was longer than Dean would have liked but it was pretty clear that no one had as much of a problem with it as Castiel. After about two days in bed following the ritual he was impatient to get moving again. Dean had threatened to tie him down more than once. During the day was the hardest because Dean would leave Cas on occasion to do things around the bunker to try to let him rest but Cas was just restless.

            On the third night Dean had gone into his room that had temporarily become Castiel’s. He was cleaning up the tray that he’d brought in earlier with dinner. They’d shared it and talked about the things that Dean had started remembering. It seemed that as Cas got better, more and more of Dean’s memories resurfaced. Sometimes in dreams, sometimes during the day when he would simply blurt out something that had happened that he hadn’t remembered before.

            “Are you planning on letting me get out of bed any time soon?” Cas asked as Dean put everything back on the tray so he could return it to the kitchen.

            “Dunno. How’re you feelin’?”

            “Fine.” His voice was steady now and even though there were dark circles under his eyes most of the color had returned to his face. He still had a cough but it certainly wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been.

            “That so?”

            Cas nodded. “Can I help you take that back to the kitchen?”

            Dean smiled faintly. “I’ve got it, Cas. I’ll be back in a minute, okay?”

            At that Castiel’s only response was a very obvious pout. Dean blinked at him before bursting out laughing. That, of course, just made Cas pout harder.

            Without thinking about it Dean leaned in and kissed the corner of Castiel’s mouth. Cas started in surprise and turned to look at Dean as he straightened.

            “I, uh. Sorry,” Dean muttered the apology automatically. He dropped his gaze and silently wondered what the hell had gotten into him.

            “For what?” Cas tilted his head to the side. “For missing?”

            It was Dean’s turn to lookay surprised. “What?”

            He gave a little smirk at him. “You missed.”

            Dean felt himself flush and he straightened up. “Maybe I should do something about that.”

            Cas all but grinned at him. “Maybe you should.”

            “Let me, uh, let me take this back first,” Dean said as he picked the tray up and hefted it. He retreated quickly and wasn’t ashamed to admit that he was just stalling for time. As obvious as it was that the two had been flirting fairly consistently over the past few days it still felt new to him.

            Once he’d make it back to the kitchen he wasn’t that surprised to find Sam there. He was heating up some leftovers from the dinner Dean had made for himself and Cas.

            “How is he?” Sam asked as he watched Dean dump the tray into the sink.

            Dean couldn’t help the immediate grin. “Good. Uh, really good.”

            Sam nodded and looked just as relieved as Dean felt, even if for different reasons. “Then, uh, can I ask you a question?”

            In an instant Dean had tensed up and turned his back towards Sam. “Go for it.”

            “Are you and Cas… okay?”

            “What d’you mean?” Dean still wouldn’t look at Sam and busied himself with the tray and putting the dishes away.

            “I mean… Are things okay with you two? It was a little, y’know, rocky for a while.”

            “Oh.” Dean relaxed a little and turned back to face Sam. He wasn’t entirely aware of the grin that spread across his face. “Yeah. Things are good. Real good, actually.”

            “You love him.”

            Dean was ready to protest and argue and answer the question with a practiced string of deflections. But then he realized it wasn’t a question. And a long moment had gone by without Dean saying anything.

            “Dean?”

            “Yeah.” The response slipped out before Dean could stop it. He stared at Sam and waited for the look of shock; but Sam just smiled instead.

            “Good.” Sam reached out and patted Dean’s shoulder. “I’m sure he’s waiting for you. I’ll talk to you later.

            “Yeah. Night, Sammy.” Dean felt a little dazed. Like something important had just happened but he wasn’t sure how to feel about it. Except a certain sense of relief had settled in his chest and he was smiling to himself. Sam smiled at him and left the kitchen.

            After he finished cleaning up Dean made his way back to his room. Cas was waiting for him and had started to look a little nervous but he perked up when Dean returned.

            “Hey, Cas.” Dean went ahead and started to finish up cleaning up in the room. He grabbed a clean pair of boxers and a t-shirt that he planned on using for pjs.

            “Are you going to sleep now?” Cas asked as he watched Dean move around.

            “Was planning it, yeah.”

            “Where have you been staying? Since I’ve been in your bed. Which I find quite comfortable, by the way.”

            Dean smiled. “It’s memory foam. And I’ve been using your room.”

            “Oh.” Cas nodded. “Thank you for letting me use your bed.”

            “No problem, Cas.” Dean smiled warmly at him and reached out to pat him on the shoulder. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?” He turned to go back towards the door but then a hand around his wrist stopped him. He moved his gaze down and back up to Castiel’s face.

            “Don’t go?” His voice was quiet, like he was afraid to ask and get his hopes up.

            Dean blinked at him. “Uh, okay. Sure. I can stay for a little while.”

            Cas gave a tug to Dean’s hand. “Stay. Please.”

            He nodded slowly and Cas let go. Dean changed into his pjs right there and then perched on the edge of the bed. Cas reached out and gently tugged Dean down to lay next to him.

            It took a few moments but Dean eventually settled down and the two lay face to face.

            “How’re you feeling?” Dean asked after a moment.

            “Much better.”

            Dean nodded, glancing down as he felt Cas reach out for his hand. “I’m glad you’re okay.”

            “Thank you for not giving up on me.”

            “This one was all Sam. But I’ll pass it along for you.”

            “Good.” Cas scooted in slightly and Dean carefully put an arm around his waist. When Cas didn’t object he relaxed again. They stayed that way for a long while and Dean watched as Cas’ eyes slowly drooped closed. He seemed relaxed and Dean was relieved to watch him go to sleep so easily.

            Just as he started to feel himself drift off as well there was a light tug to his hand.

            “Dean?”

            He gave a little grunt in response.

            “Are you going to be here when I wake up?”

            Dean nodded sleepily and cracked an eye open. “Yeah. You okay?”

            “Yes.”

            “Good. Night, Cas.” He gave a little squeeze to Cas’ hand, pleased to feel a return squeeze.

            “Goodnight, Dean.”


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

            “I almost killed Sam.”

            Dean spoke so quietly and after he and Cas had been silent in bed together for so long that Cas almost thought that he’d imagined Dean’s voice. Over the past few weeks as Cas healed, though, Dean had started to slowly remember more. Sometimes he remembered things all at once and Cas thought it looked like Dean had been punched in the gut when that happened. Mostly it was a slow process. Cas was grateful for that. It was easier to answer the questions this way than see the expression on Dean’s face as he wrestled with a pile of memories suddenly hitting him all at once.

            They had been laying in bed together in Dean’s room for over an hour already and Cas rolled over so he could face Dean. It was dark in the room but there was enough light for Cas to see that Dean’s eyes were glassy, like he was holding back tears.

            “Yes.” Cas answered just as quietly. “But you didn’t.”

            Dean’s only response was to close his eyes tightly and roll onto his back, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand.

            “Dean…” Cas propped himself up on one arm so he could look at Dean more clearly. “You were a demon.”

            “Oh, I was a demon? Yeah, thanks for that,” Dean said dryly, tone rough. He puffed out a tired breath, lowering his hand from his face.

            “And you _didn’t_ hurt Sam. There’s nothing for you to feel guilty for.”

            Dean turned his head towards Cas. “Little late for that,” he muttered quietly.

            Cas sighed heavily and rested his hand on Dean’s chest. “Sam is fine. I’m fine. I wish you would accept that. None of us blame you for any of that. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

            Dean rolled onto his side so he and Cas were face to face. “Of course it matters, Cas.”

            “Why do you say that?”

            “Because.” Dean slid his gaze away from Castiel’s then, but Cas was patient and didn’t push him. “It just… it does.”

            “No it doesn’t.” When Dean opened his mouth to protest Cas gently put one finger on his lips to silence him. “And I will tell you why. Because Sam and I love you. We’ve all done terrible things, things that we regret and wish we could forget. But that doesn’t change how we feel.”

            For a long moment Dean didn’t say anything. Even after Cas moved his finger Dean stayed quiet as he gathered his thoughts.

            “You love me?” The forced crooked smile on Dean’s face made Cas realize he was trying to keep his tone light and joking. Like he thought he was being clever for exposing Castiel’s feelings.

            “Of course.”

            The look of surprise on Dean’s face would have been more amusing if Castiel wasn’t being completely serious.

            “Cas, c’mon, don’t-”

            “I love you, Dean.” He held Dean’s gaze and refused to look away. It took a moment for Dean to be able to make a coherent thought, different emotions flickering across his features as he searched for a response.

            “You can’t just say shit like that, Cas.”

            “I believe I just did.”

            “That’s not-” Dean huffed in annoyance. “That’s not what I meant.”

            “I know.”

            Dean sat up in bed so Cas slowly matched the action so he sat next to Dean, their shoulders touching.

            “You know I- I…”

            Cas swallowed hard. Suddenly he was wishing he hadn’t said anything. He hadn’t said anything to Dean to force him to respond with words. “You don’t have to say anything, Dean. I understand.”

            Instead of speaking Dean reached over and turned Castiel’s face towards him so he could lean in and press their lips together. Cas made a small sound of surprise but didn’t pull away from the kiss.

            When Dean pulled back a moment later he kept his hand on Castiel’s cheek, thumb gently brushing against his skin. “I love you too, Cas.”

            Castiel couldn’t help the surprised look on his face.

            “Don’t look so surprised, buddy.”

            “No it’s not because of that,” Cas said honestly. “I suspected how you felt. I just didn’t know you were ready to say it.”

            Dean shrugged and gave a crooked smile. “I’m full of surprises.”

            Instead of responding Castiel leaned in again to press another kiss to Dean’s lips. When he pulled back they pressed their foreheads together, simply spending a moment enjoying sharing the same space.

            “Ready to go back to sleep?”

            “We haven’t been asleep yet tonight,” Cas pointed out dryly.

            “All the more reason to get back to it.”

            “Oh. Of course.”

            “C’mon.” Dean brushed another kiss by Cas’ lips and Cas thought that he could spend the entire night doing that and not complain. He gave a little tug to the t-shirt Cas was wearing to sleep in and lay down again. Cas risked scooting in a little closer, wanting the contact. He was definitely more than a little surprised as Dean wrapped an arm around him and allowed Cas to nose at the hollow of his throat.

            “How about tomorrow we get breakfast with Sam? Then we’ll spend a little time outside. And, uh, maybe a movie before dinner? I’m gonna make burgers for us.”

            “I’ll watch a movie with you on one condition,” Cas said slowly, voice muffled by the fact he was mostly speaking directly into Dean’s chest. It was one of the things he loved about sharing a bed with Dean. They had only been doing so for a few nights but Cas loved it. He was glad for the first night he’d been brave enough to ask Dean to share the bed with him. Dean had insisted Cas stay in his room, so it had been an innocent enough request at first.

            “Uh, what condition is that?” Dean asked, sounding nervous.

            “I’d like to hold your hand.” Cas shifted back so he could glance up at Dean. “Even if Sam is there. If that’s all right.”

            Dean was more than a little surprised by the request. His first response was based off the little lurch that he felt in his stomach at the idea of Sam teasing him mercilessly but he pushed that aside. “That sounds fair. Deal.”

            Cas blinked at him in surprise. “Oh.”

            With a little smirk Dean leaned in for one last kiss. “Now go to sleep. We’ve got a big day tomorrow now.”

            Cas moved back into the spot he was in before. With Dean’s arm around him and the blankets over them both it was warm and comfortable. Now that he was human he enjoyed the warmth, especially when it was supplied by Dean’s body next to his.

            “I love you.”

            “Love you too, Cas.”


End file.
